PM: Amit, you know why *I* am the Prime Minister? Because, I never make mistakes, ever. Amit: Agreed, Sir. PM: But then, I think I made a mistake. Amit: really? PM: we should have packed off Yashwantji in our party’s “Margdarshak Bundle” alongwith the other 3 veterans. Amit: hmm, but why? PM: isn’t Yashwant making allegations against us? Amit: don’t worry, his article will fade with time. 2019 is far away and we shall credit the economy’s downward spiral to Rahul, Mallya, Aad...har and something technical. PM: quick, because I have a burning feeling. Amit: what is that? PM: it’s a *burning feeling* as though a bullet train is passing through Godhra. Amit: wait, ever heard of *Huge Hefner*? PM: Huge? And Hefner? Who are they? Amit: ah, *Huge Hefner* is the owner of Playboy. PM: so, what about him? Amit: He is dead. Now, let me call photoshopper Smritiben and collect a few photos. Just wait for tomorrow morning headlines: Honeypreet escapes from Baba’s cave and found hiding in Playboy Mansion! PM: Amit, you are a genius; Dabur Chyawanprash? Amit: no Narendrabhai, pure technical intelligence! #AbKiBaarGhumaoYaar #ItIsHughHefner #OfWitAndDimwit

Saala, the Economics syllabus in my college did not cover calculation of GDP. Or maybe it did, but I preferred to skip it since it was too complicated for a 5-marks question. Hence, I am now trying to understand if the GDP of India is 5.7 percent, 7.5 percent or 3.7 percent. While Economics to me is still like Chacha Chaudhary comics, in my layman opinion, one way to measure India's progress *can be* to see how many Indians immigrants from America have migrated back to India ...in the last few years; of those, how many settled in Varanasi, Allahabad, Gujarat, Dilli, Bengaluru, Mumbai and Patna. Going a step further, ModiJEE can also call his friend Zuckerbergji and check with him about the number of Americans and Europeans having Juhu Beach, Ayodhya, Kankaria Lake or Kashi Vishwanath temple as a display photo. Everything else is just data 🤔🤔😂😂 #OfEcoComicsStatisTricksAndPoliTricks

While doing round-round-Garba this evening, some questions were also doing the rounds: what is BHU? Rahul Baba’s Berkeley Harvard University? No, Banaras Hindu University. Where is Banaras Hindu University? Varanasi. Where is Varanasi? Uttar Pradesh. Who is the MP from Varanasi? PM. What does the PM do? He fasts for 9-days during Navratri. Why does he fast? To seek blessings of Ambe Maa. Were women beaten up in the BHU campus during Navratri? Maybe, but the incident was polit...ically motivated; they were women, not Ambe Maa. Jasodaben is a Goddess? Yes, she was Lord Krishna’s mother. Now, what will PM do in BHU? He will be Maun Mohan. But will he Singh? Probably not. Is Yogi breathing Gorakhpur and Fatehpur oxygen? Yes, in fact, his track record with oxygen cylinders is so impressive that he is likely to be the next Indian representative at the Paris climate summit. But what will Yogi do in Paris? Don’t know, maybe ooh la la?! 😂😂😂 #LathiDischarge #KahinNaariPeSakhtiKahinMataKiBhakti

I like Rohit Shetty films; the Singham series? His heroes really beat the pulp out of villains, the cops are well-built, honest and upright, and Ajay Devgan looks like he will change the system. However, I watch these movies only at Home since popcorn and Pepsicide in the cinema hall cost GST. Disclaimer: do not try the stunts shown in the movie at Home. In the real world, honesty is the best policy only if you have life insurance 😂😂😂#AataMajheeSatakli #KyaDhoyaNaWoh

How can India fret over immigration of refugees from another country when everyone considers everyone else a refugee? North India looks down upon North East India, South looks down upon North, West looks down upon East, Virar looks up to Borivali, Borivali looks up to Bandra, Andheri looks down upon Borivali and Dahisar, while South Bombay looks down on everyone else? By the way, I am also a refugee on Planet Earth. And bhidu, despite my refugee status, main toh apni Earth ki royally vaat laga raha hoon! 😂😂😂😂 #ACountryOfImmigrationExperts #DivideAndDrool #MyanmaarKiTalwar

Kya sight hogi na woh? Imagine two trains approaching Thane railway station: one costing 1-lakh-crore, the other about 100-crore. One from Japan, the other from Kapurthala. One, air-condition, the other scare condition. One, with passengers ensconced inside eating roasted almonds discussing real estate, Ahmedabad Shatabdi, cheap flights to Ahmedabad, jewellery, suits, stock markets and vacations in America. The other carrying passengers hanging inside, outside, on-the-roof and in-between compartments screaming at one another, “chalo andar, dhakka maro”. Of course, while both trains will share a common destiny during monsoon, the advantage that the 1-lakh-crore train will have over its counterpart lies in the announcement: please keep away from edge of platform number 4, a bullet train will pass through shortly! #WohDekhBulletTrainJaareliHai #AhmedabadKaunseSideAayega #BhaisaabVirarUtarnaHai

ModiJEE and AbeJi, given the fact that Rain Gods are deeply in love with Bombay, can you make the 1-lakh-crore bullet train amphibian such that it can traverse through water and land? Also, make it mandatory for all passengers to know swimming, and also to undergo Geography lessons such that they can make out the difference between land, water and everything else in-between. Bhidu, road toh aisa banaya ki sirf 15-minute ki drive ne 15-month-old-tire ko 15-year-old bana diya! 😤😤 #AbKiBaarRoadKahaanGayaYaar #HuaMainPaaniPaaniRe #PayTaxKaroRelax

Rain Gods, fuel prices permitting, if you take a detour via the Bombay-Nasik Highway all the way to Nagpur via Aurangabad and reach Vidarbha and Marathwada, you will find that the impact of your water supply has been like India’s demonetization exercise; just like black money, no one knows where has all the water gone! And in the interim that you review your water supply plans, I am busy celebrating the annual monsoon festival of saluting the spirit of Bombay, yet again, when... everyone warns everyone about the spirit of the erratic weather, that helps common people like me take a decision to stay safe at Home and enjoy the spirit of togetherness with family over a cup of chai and hot pakodas. Keep up the spirit, Bombay; it’s all you’ve got. Everything else is about statues in the Arabian Sea! #AbKiBaarKyaBaarishHaiYaar #MeraCityBadalRahaHai

I love watching Chotta Bheem. He is so cute and very strong. He lives in a kingdom ruled by a lazy king (or so it appears) called Indra Varma. The king has an entire army and security guards at his disposal, yet relies on Bheem and his gang of small friends to ward off evil. Bheem and his friends haven’t let down their king for the last 7 years on Pogo TV. The King praises Bheem and his achievements from the heart, something similar to my world’s “Mann Ki Baat”; but that’s about it. Bheem and his friends haven’t grown up yet and probably never will, they roam about half-naked, and the whereabouts of their parents are unknown. However, the children are safe since they don’t attend International schools. Although Bheem lives in a scenic village, from time-to-time there are tech inventions, too; in fact, the day is not far when Bheem and his friends will be shown traveling by a bullet train. They don’t have proper roads, though, and still rely on farming and animation for livelihood. Last scene, all farmers were alive. Everyone loves their king who loves himself so much that he delegates everything to others and never fights a war himself. But that’s okay; Chotta Bheem is a cartoon, after all. And moreover, the likes of Bheem and his king are Made in India.  #ChottaKabHogaBada #WohTohCartoonHaiLekinTu
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"Car and bike owners can afford costlier fuel": some Mantriji called Alphonso in ModiJEE's cabinet. True, but we pay for our own fuel Sir, and for your fuel too. And then, can it be such a coincidence that alphonso mangoes are costly too?! 🤔 #FossilFull #FreeIsGoodCostlyIsCrude

Friday, 15th September 2017. Season: Monsoon. Weather: Summer. Forecast: Rain. Reality: Bullet Train. Temperature, estimated: 30-degree-C. Temperature, actual: 40-degree-C. Whatdya think, will 16th September be cool? After all, humne ozone layer mein itne holes kar diye hain ki almighty God bhi confused hai ki hawa kahaan se de aur paani kahaan se. #ThodiHawaAaneDe #TipTipBarsaPaaniKahinNahin

Who says India does not have a fast aging population? Some people reply with such a curt "thanks" in response to a hearty birthday greeting, it appears as though they just turned 91, not 19 😂😂😂😂

Since I know who will win in 2019, I have started preparing myself and my small humble family for the years to follow until 2024. Conditioning my mind to believe that only 2 entities are omnipresent – ModiJEE and God. Bought a cold-storage to store tomatoes, potatoes and onion. Started calculating tax at the rate of about 40% year-on-year; don’t ask me where the figure comes from – it just happened. Storing 500 and 2000-rupee notes at Home to spare when the time comes. Taking... lessons in queueing up. Joined a motor driving school to learn driving over holes – black, pot and what not. Started looking for a job in Ahmedabad to utilize bullet train travel if the rickshaw fare from Home permits. Learning to breathe without oxygen cylinders on land. Keeping away from the likes of Gaikwad in a plane. Taking lessons in Photoshop to print education degree from Hard Word. Main yeh kar raha hoon; aur aap? #AbKiBaarTaiyaarHoJaaYaar #TheFutureIsFright

Hey Shiv, Sena, why did ModiJEE inaugurate the bullet train from Ahmedabad instead of Bombay, the financial capital of India? Was it owing to his preference for Gujarati dhoklas over Uddhav’s Vada Pav? Whatever. As for the massive security cover in Ahmedabad, one of the safest places on Earth today are the areas around Kankaria Lake and Sabarmati; the remaining are only as safe as the Indian Railways  #RailGaadiRukRuk #KyaBulletTrainRunsOffTrackToo

Rahul G should thank dynasty. ModiJEE should thank Jasodaben and 31%. However, it is SmritiJEE who has a lot to thank: photoshop degree, Ekta Kapoor, “saas”, “bahu”, Star Plus, a never-ending TV serial with a death-defying story about incarnation, reincarnation and re-reincarnation, marriage, re-marriage, re-re-remarriage, pre-marriage, post-marriage and marriage even after coming of age. Seriously yaar, some people have such luck; or maybe there’s something sinister about Smriti becoming Minister? #KyonkiClassMeinBahuThi

Mr.Tim Cook of Apple Inc met the Prime Minister of India, last year. He was so impressed with the PM and his suit that he decided to launch an iPhone costing about 90,000-rupees in India. The frenzy is such that it reminds me of the queues outside the offices of Mahanagar Telephone Nigam (MTNL) in the 80s! No man, I am not buying the iPhone; don’t have any money to spare. 90,000-rupees is sufficient to cover about 15-months Household expenses, excluding GST and digital transaction charges; that too, because my mother runs the House, no. Hmm, but wait, the new iPhone OS must be advanced, no? Hey Siri, who has more artificial intelligence: Modi, Yogi, Rahul, Mallya or Manmohan? Siri, where can I get cheap petrol in Mumbai? And Siri, how can I reach my destination without encountering potholes? Siri, can you please locate oxygen cylinders in Gorakhpur, Farrukhabad and Nasik? Siri? Siri? Hello? Siri, you there? Haha!

Can it be a coincidence that every time I purchase groceries from the store nearby, I check the GST amount first, and the bill amount later? Thank you, ModiJEE, we payin' for the grain, and you guys livin' the good life all happy and gain! 😥😥😥😂😂😂😂

Today, Nawaz Sharif must have laughed after a long time since his Panama case conviction. Reason? The Home Minister of my country made a statement, “we will force Pakistan to stop cross-border firing”; yes, it takes courage to make a statement like that. But then, even a kindergarten kid who should not attend Ryan International School in Gurugram can make similar statements when he is surrounded by 500 black cat commandos, 5000 policemen and a battalion of armed security forces in his compound sufficient to cover Planet Earth. What’s more, the kid and the Home Minister are both aware that the *closest* that they can ever get to Pakistan in Kashmir is the air-conditioned Government Guest House. Now, Nawaz Sharif has stopped laughing. Why? Because he is trying to understand why the price of petrol in India has peaked to 80-rupees-a-litre when International fuel prices are at their lowest per barrel. In fact, he is also calling his cronies in America, Afghanistan, North Korea and China to check if they have blown up any oil barrels yet?!  #AbKiBaarStatementMaarteHainYaar #DumHaiTohGoliKhila

Kindergarten kids, at a 5.7 rate of growth, it is time you learnt Taekwondo, Martial Arts, Bodybuilding and Weightlifting as a form of self-defence; adults are too busy flexing muscles in a hopeless bid to scare China and Pakistan. To have or not to have children is a question; whether to send them to school is a bigger question. #YeahDudeDontBeADud

Not sure if I should be happy about the laurels of the all-women Indian Naval team embarking on a global sea voyage, or feel sad about the r*pe of a 5-year-old student in Dilli, one day after Gurgaon. Tomorrow is Monday; it's time to attain Nirvana 😇😇

Barring the precincts of the Parliament and Ministerial mansions, the frequency at which the children of commoners are dying inside schools and hospitals, even as commoners themselves continue to die on railway tracks, it appears something is seriously high and die; I call it “panauti”. Bad omen? What’s more, it is in abundance and ruling us! Uff? #DeathOfAChildInGurugram #JaaniYehDeshHaiChaiKaNukkadNahin

It is the evening mist that signals arrival of winters, and celebration of lights and devotion; the triumph of good over evil, right over wrong and duty over beast. And while monsoons are still around, bas baarish ka mausam ho, Maa ke haath ka Rajma-Chawal wholesome ho, aur kya, itne se hi life kitni awesome ho! There’s a class out there called the middle class; it creates memories for a lifetime even within the modest confines of a bedroom-hall-kitchen :-) #BlessedAreThoseWhoHaveFamilies #BlessedAreThoseWhoDineTogether

Given the fact that there were 3 derailments in one day, can the Minister let me know if the 1-lakh-crore bullet train will also go offtrack and take the National Highway to Ahmedabad for the remaining leg of its journey? If that’s the case, then I will drive down instead. Also, in backdrop of the number of train accidents, does it help to have a bullet train or a bullet crane? On a related note, since the commercial capital of India becomes another Arabian Sea every monsoon, will the 3600-crore statue still be built in the Arabian Sea? I mean, might be better to build it in the Indian Ocean or the Pacific or the Atlantic Ocean; atleast then the visitors can distinguish the real from the statue and the ocean from the sea! #AbKiBaarStatueStatueKhelteHainYaar #UlluBharPaani #TipTipBarsaPaaniPaaniNeVaatLagayi

Yaar, ab toh Lucknow Metro bhi start ho gaya; so, what it stopped on day one owing to awesome technology? Atleast, they have a Metro. Aur yahaan Bombay mein dekho, buildings have come up, real estate prices shot up post-demonetization and estate agents are selling flats in black on the promise of an “upcoming Metro station nearby”. At Home, I have been showing the same video to my nephew and niece about how a Metro looks like - for the last 4 years. 😂😂😂#MatroKabhiNaKabhiBanegaMetro

How can women already occupying highest offices, and being "promoted" to another highest office be a woman empowerment thing? Also, isn't it so much about quantity of women, but the quality that truly matters? Anyway, may all the women outside the secured and pristine Parliament remain safe until all the ones inside are "empowered"; please breathe in all the tax-free oxygen that you can. Why? Simple, because it helps you run faster. #AbGehriSaansLijiye #

This Teachers Day I pledge to be the Man my Mom taught me to be. And to all Teachers across my Motherland, this day, I sincerely wish for you to get a very good salary hike, perks and allowances like your students. What's more, I clearly remember your moral science lessons; while I didn't score good marks in theory then, you'll be glad to see my scores in moral science practicals now. #TeacherMaregiYaar #GoodMorningTeacher 😊😊😀

After informing the young boy at the grocery store’s billing counter that he had undercharged me for Rs.450, including GST, I paid him via digital mode, came Home delighted and checked my Prime Minister’s Twitter account for a word of appreciation of my honesty. Instead, I found words of appreciation for Baba Ram Rahim, Photoshopper Smritiben, Nirmalaben, Mukeshbhai, Frynance Minister Arunbhai and Gautambhai. What’s more, there was also some Mann Ki Baat: “change begins with ...you”, “don’t ask what the country can do for you, but what you can do for your country”, blah, blah. So much emotional blackmail yaar, yet people want to immigrate to America?! Anyway, hope Rs.450 can help provide 15-minutes oxygen to a child in a hospital; unless, of course, it gets lost in translation somewhere 😁😁#MoreMoneyThanMeetsTheEye #AbKiBaarPublicRelationsHaiNaYaar

Aiyo Maa, Nirmala is the next woman Defence Minister of India. Really? What are her credentials? I mean, what’s the use of becoming a Defence Minister when all tanks will still be fired by her boss? Just ask External Affairs’ twittering Sushma; even she can’t exercise Swaraj 😂😂😂#AbKiBaarMinistersKoBadloYaar

Conference agenda: Avoiding waste. Location: a 5-star in South Bombay. Fees per participant: INR 38,000 + taxes. Attendees: agro, manufacturing and processing industry experts. Key takeaway for others: don't know/can't say. Key takeaway for me: the quantum of food leftover in the plates during lunch that would have been enough to feed a remote hamlet. Move over. Coming Monday, I am going to office without Monday morning blues. How? Simple. I will think of the brilliant minds who studied "18 hours a day", spent lakhs on training and sacrificed their personal life to become IAS officers, yet ended up reporting to the likes of Smriti Irani of "Yale" 🤔🤔😅😅 #AvoidWasteFoodTaste #KyunkiClassMeinBahuNahiThi #KhaanaKhaoGharJaao

Good morning Sunday. I have inherited 15-lakh-pounds from Mrs.Lisa Zucharius of UK. However, since I am waiting for 15-lakh Indian rupees promised 3 years ago, anyone interested in pounds can get in touch. Thought for the day: what best can a Prime Minister do with 81 Ministers in his Cabinet? He can shuffle them.

Demonetization was a blockbuster disaster? Ask the family members of the 104 deceased. 290 children perished due to Government apathy within a month in a State of Ayodhya’s Ram and Mathura’s Krishna? Don’t ask anyone. Rains came and the financial nerve-centre of the world’s fastest growing economy was submerged in water; whom to ask? By the way, the city annually salutes its monsoon “spirit” and forgets its gone-too-soon “spirits". On a side note, I can understand if one Prime Minister, a newly-elected RBI Governor and a someone called Jet Li miscalculated the “notebandi” move after calculating NPAs; but how could accomplished thinkers like Amitabh Bachchan, Virat Kohli, Ajay Devgn, Aishwarya Rai, etc go wrong? Who smokes Panama? Cigarettes? Huh?! #CashToAsh #AbKiBaarPoochMatYaar #PanamaIsJustOneCanal #KaalaPaisaGoraHoGaya