Two things about obituaries on social media are so amusing. One, obituaries that get “likes”! Two, a killer tribute like this one: May your sole rest in piece, A-men. Not X-Men? Haha! #LiveVirtualDieSocial

Congratulations on your wedding anniversary, Lord Shiva and Goddess Parvati. Like every year, I decided to eat fast food this year and visit your reception at a nearby temple to be a part of the celebrations. I stood in the free queue for hours, sweated, waited, unabated, unadulterated and highly under-rated. Finally, I got to see you, albeit for a billionth fraction of a zillionth second before being shoved away, since an esteemed guest was slated to visit your sanctum, and the authorities presumed that I, along with other commoners, posed a threat to him and everyone else in his battalion. It seems he came for an elaborate ritual, charging us at actual and presenting his credentials to you that were more fictional than factual. By the bye, Nandi the bull looked special: rested, unharmed and safe right in front of your “Trinetra”. Of course, Nandi the bull wasn’t born in Tamil Nadu in the 21^st century might be a reason. O Lord, this year, please grant me the wisdom to eat only my own share of daily bread, please ensure that everyone is nutritiously fed, big mosquitoes don’t hover on my queen bed, poverty is dead and the post-election BMC doesn’t go in the red! #ShaadiMubarakHoBhagwan

God, it’s only February. Yet, the summer is making merry, the heat is weary, the sweat is teary and the mere thought of March, April and May is scary! O Lord, I didn’t cut a single tree nor pluck a flower, I swear. And there’s no animal meat nor hide in anything I eat or wear. I am not even engaged (though occasionally abused) in an electoral battle that’s highly unfair. I don’t breathe clean air, pay dollars’ worth for a short distance fare, survive daily by a whisker thinner than bald hair (!), and governed by those who just don’t care. O mighty God, postponed your holiday plans for Earth, eh?! See, there’s still so much that remains of your creation: trees, birds, nature, rains, bounties, skies, mountains and commoners like me who take everything in stride, aim for heights where only eagles dare and even celebrate life’s googlies with lotsa fanfare! #PrayerADayKeepsTheDoctorAway

Move over Carnegie and Khera, we have new leaders in town, and they cite the most compelling buzzwords that define leadership. Their speeches reflect agendas that shape the future of a billion-plus every 5 years! Kabristan. Samshaan. Chullu bhar paani. Gadha. Sanskari bal*atkaari. Aatankvaadi. Ghar wapsi. Behenji Ki Sampati. Mr Negative Dalit Man. Pakistani agent. AK-49. Velocity of Mars. Maut Ka Saudagar. And so much more that even big data appears small. Sentry to Mantri. Mantri to Mukhya Mantri. Mukhya Mantri to Pradhan Mantri. What does it take to be a leader? Orator? Over-rater? Undertaker? Yes?! Oh no! Haha! #AbKiBaarGarmiHaiYaar

My mom maintains a diary. I maintain a Facebook timeline. Every time she searches for hard copy archives, I ask her to prep one Facebook profile. Since her skepticism abounds, I cite numerous examples from the virtual world where people share so much that even if they were to forget their life’s events, the world would still remember; not that the world cares! The last date and time they exhibited love for one another, honeymoon check-in and honey soon checkout, the week they last clicked a photu looking in each other's eyes, meals devoured and wallet times day celebrated! To sum it up, it’s always nice to have a back-up wherein everyone knows what you did last summer, previous winter and the forthcoming rainy. My mom, though, is still not convinced. She belongs to the “Vividh Bharti” mindset, where expressions of love were very private, and public exhibitions strictly meant readymade clothing, vessels and dress material. That said, proponents of Artificial Intelligence and supercomputing, is there some way that virtual love and compliments displayed on-screen translate to the real world? Yes? The world then would be such a better place, Indians wouldn’t spend 500,000 dollars for a US citizenship and Mom would still get to maintain her diary. #MarkShutTheBug

Moody opened his makeshift electoral branch near my house recently. It is next to Rahul’s makeshift branch, which is opposite Uddhav’s makeshift branch next to Sharad’s makeshift branch, which is below Raj’s makeshift branch. Midst so many branches, I am wondering where the roots lie. That said, what’s common for all branches are the cars parked outside: Rover, BMW, Audi, Fortuner, Lexus, Mercedes-Benz, et al. Some parked in the middle of the road, a few on the footpath (wher...ever it exists) and the remaining in a no-parking zone. In fact, a few appear to have been bought post-08 November 2016 from the dealer who set up shop right next to the ATM that is miraculously open 24X7 without any cash! What’s more, a glance at the poster boys and girls outside each of the makeshift branches, and your heart sobs; gold, jewellery, sunglasses, diamond bracelets and a thick bush moustache, wherever applicable. Anyway, why do people bathe with raincoats ON? Leakage? Seepage? Old age? Huh? #BrihanMumbaiMahanagarKhaliKa

Nah Munna Nah, there’s a lot more to M. M for Madras. M for Moonlit. M for Marina. M for MGR. M for Memorial. M for Meditation. M for Mystery. M for Million. M for Money. M for MLA. M for Minister. M for Majority. M for Minority. M for Modi. M for Maya. But that’s in UP? Sorry, M for Mind it. And, P for People, D for Democracy? Haha, yenna rascala, you will never find it! #MitronKeKhiladi

Neighbour 1, ensuring his voice is heard throughout the workout area: its been ages since I am working out in our building's gym. I have been traveling so much. Of course, I stay at the Taj, Hilton, ITC, Novotel, and they have a chauffeur-driven pick-up and drop, a BIG pool or two, and big gymnasiums! Neighbour 2 (believes in competition, cutting short Neighbour 1): I travel so much that the agents at both domestic and international airports know me! I mean, I live out of th...e bag. Neighbour 3, with shock, awe, admiration and planes in his eyes, can't even blink, nonetheless: yes, yes, I see you guys on Facebook. Amazing yaar. My turn, when the trio look at me: aah yes, I travel, too. First, take a bus to the railway station, alight at Ghatkopar, board a Metro to Marol and then walk to work; an everyday feature. Neighbours, force a smile and disperse. Me, to myself: and I just told them a one-way itinerary! Haha! #ShowSharaaba

Mohandas Bhai, you were solid haan Bhai. I mean, you gave up an established barrister practice to fight for some unknown set of 200 million Indians? Sahi hai boss! In my time, parents prioritize careers, money and property above their own children, while children prioritize themselves over everyone else; and you sacrificed your life for a nation?! Garnered a nationwide movement? Fought the might of a 200-year-old empire? Minus any intent for Facebook likes? Solid haan, yaar. In my time, people spend 100,000-rupees in a 7-star hotel to learn about “winning leadership” in 3 days; and you relentlessly led in that humble dhoti? In crushing winters? On fast? Trust me, I can’t give up dal-chawal even for a day! Partition? You did your best with what you could; in the 21st century, depression runs so high that people can’t keep themselves together, let alone a country! Haha! In fact, couples can hardly breathe next to each other even if they brush with Close-up, and you kept a nation’s fire burning? Gandhi Bapu, I am your devout fan; let the world think and say what they can! #GandhiKiAandhi

Yaar, how do they manage to clean a breezy sea-facing 6-BHK, when it takes months of rigorous motherly follow-up, mummy gyaan and thin-amma efforts to bring me up to speed to clean one ceiling fan?! Perhaps, they’re more responsible; I am not. And then, 6-BHKs also have servants; we have one house-help. She takes leave just when I thought I could believe! Mom says, it’s your Home, why depend on someone else to clean it? Didn’t Moody demonetize my bank account? My money? Say no, Mummy? She says, don’t act funny. Ok, but what’s with the 6-BHK if it must remain empty with chandelier ceilings, distemper walls and antique furniture, and filled with servants and butlers? Anyway, tiding over my suburban mentality, it’s not so much about the sea-facing 6-BHK; it’s my home ceiling that’s pulling, just when I decided to make my weekend a little more fulfilling! Haha! #SeeLingeringFan

Astronomers and astrologers, could you please check planets and their positions that seem to be affecting the world, since November 08, 2016? I mean, land turns to water, earth to sky, Jaya can just die, and a Donald caricature gets Presidential candidature. There’s a sudden note ban just when the commoner starts to think he can. Will it help to tie a lemon at the door of the White House to ward-off immigrant eyes? What should be the length, width and diameter of the Mexican Wall? Back Home, was it rahu-ketu that made a former Indian Prime Minister bathe with the raincoat ON? And, was he bathing alone? Does this also imply that Prime Ministers watch while others are bathing? Is it a part of demonetization vigilance? When do Prime Ministers bathe when they work 18 hours a day? Is bathing the reason that Prime Ministers love the ghats of Ganga where people wash everything except themselves? Ram Teri Ganga Neeli Peeli? Which location is auspicious for construction of Ram temple? Ayodhya? Godhra? Amethi? Kala Nagar in Bandra East? Dilli? And what’s up with Chennai’s fate? Is it the recent curse of the bull? Or a magical power that has a very strong pull? How to bring about a positive change there? Change latitude? Longitude? Attitude? Huh? #DuniyaJholHai

Uddhav fights Devendra. Rahul fights Narendra. Mulayam fights his son. His son fights his uncle. His uncle fights his brother. His brother fights his son, who fights his sister-in-law, who fights her father-in-law. Midst so much brother-daughter-don’t-even-bother fight, Maya wants to show her might, too. But, since everyone is engaged in their own battles, she has very little to do. In the interim that everyone is fighting against one another, despite being with one another, the voter in me remains confused as to who is fighting whom. And, is my vote worthy, after all? Hmm, maybe. Bas, kar bhala, pray to God and don’t dream of Sasikala! #YehHiHaiFrightChoiceBaby

Sir, I am from UP. He: Aah, you are a Bhaiya. Me: Yes Sir, you can consider me your younger brother. He: Nako baba, by bhaiya I meant BHAIYA, not like Raj Bhaiya. Me: Sir, why hate me? Ram and Krishna were born in UP, too. He: They were God, I am God, while you are just an eye-pod, bitter gourd. Me: Yes Sir, No Sir, what’s your reaction to the budget, Sir? He: What budget? Just because someone sits in the Ministry, stands in the Parliament and travels in-between, does that make him Jet Li? Look at him, he isn’t even beautiful like Priyanka Gandhi! Me: Sir? Ok, and what’s your agenda for the elections? He: @$%^&, &*^%$^ and @&^%$. Me: Sir, profanity? Abusive language? He: irrespective of public position, this is *THE* language and agenda in elections these days, tone of a ditch! Me: Sir, ok, have you celebrated Valentine’s Day ever? He: Of course, though, only in private. Me: Wow, you gifting wifey a Lotus this Valentine? He: Why lotus? No way, LOTUS resembles POTUS; Donald Trump, remember? As for roses, they are red, you eat bread, violets are blue, Moody just flew, and while you flush the Swachh Bharat loo, let me dream of the skies high above you! #VotesandBanks