In absence of a law to punish culprits convicted for crimes against women and children, a precedent might have been set for culprits to (Ram) Singh with even more impunity! Hon Minister for Civil Deviation, it's a request to you to coordinate with your counterparts in Singapore for reserved landing and parking slots at the Changi International Airport for all air ambulances originating from India! Similarly, Ghulam, Kabhi Azad (?), Hon Minister for Wealth and (First) Family's Welfare, in back drop of no protection against women and children's frights, hope one has already started to contemplate RESERVATIONS of bed count at Singapore's famed Elizabeth Mount!

Mr.President of India, the public protests in Delhi and elsewhere in the country were not only against the ghastly and brutal crime against a woman, but also against the lackadaisical attitude of the ruling class, complete lawlessness and an apathetic Governance (billion-dollar scams, remember?); with children and women from 0-90 being abused without fear of law, all that talk of growth in investment, retail, telecom (2G, 3G and 4G!) manufacturing and services, an emerging riddled-class (!) and a global-power-in-the-reckoning vying for a Permanent Seat in the United Nations Security Council (ironically, with no security for its own citizens!) remains but a SHAM! Mere claims of "being concerned" and "deeply hurt" on account of being a "father of 3 daughters" or making a scapegoat of Police constables by sacking them for not doing their job (you do?!), provides no solace to the victim or the immediate family who have been scarred for a lifetime! While most among us would go about celebrating the New Year with our friends and family while looking forward to fresh beginnings in 2013, the trauma and scars of our bretheren who have been (brutally!) abused, as well as those in their immediate family, is unimaginable! Priyadarshni Mattoo. Aruna Shanbaug. A 2-year old. A 5-year old. A 23-year old. A 42-year old. An 80-year old. Delhi. Bombay. Chennai. Kolkata. Guwahati. India. Motherland. It's anarchy in it's most Draconian avatar! By the way, in the (extremely!) private sector (Corporates, how about engaging with your esteemed consumers, however common, through CSR?), a boss MIGHT lose his job if he loses the confidence of his own people; since you and all your colleagues in the Parliament have (thoroughly!) FAILED, why not be a complete man and follow Suit?!

Man, that stinking feeling when you want to sue midst all the shit that continues to happen with women and children at all times of day and night! On a platform of Churchgate railway station. At a Dadar Bus Stop. In a Bandra bus. On the Andheri flyover. Outside a Borivali fast food joint. At a mall in Mira Road. In a queue inside a "Devi" temple in Virar. At home. Work. School. College. Western. Central. Harbour. Perversion in India transcends municipal limits, crosses State boundaries and lands straight into a Parliament where 162 MPs are facing criminal charges; what's more, 260 MLAs and MPs have contested polls while facing sexual assault charges! 'Yatha Raja, Tatha Praja'. Thus, India follows Afghanistan, Congo and Pakistan, along with Somalia, in a list of the world's most dangerous countries to be born a woman!

Mr.Prime Minister, Delhi repeats, everyday. Everywhere. Across the country. It repeated itself in a heart-rending incident involving a 23-year old; one week ago, on this day, she mustn't have even imagined what was in-store and how she would be battling for her life at Safdarjung a week later! It's ironic that while a country speaks of being a global power in the reckoning midst all the jazz of growth and being an attractive investment destination, it's own citizens - especially women, children and the elderly - are most unsafe and insecure, even if they might be living in the same city as their President + Prime Minister + Chief Justice of India + A lady chairperson voted among the top 3 Most Powerful Women in the World + Home Minister + Defence Minister + A lady who leads the biggest Opposition! Mr.Prime Minister, economically speaking, it becomes a Grossly Disturbing Proposition (GDP) when the Crime Rate Ratio (CRR) is in a multiplier mode in back drop of the powers-that-be raising their (personal) interest rates as a measure to boost their own Strict Law Reinforcement (SLR) and bridging their own deficits via fiscal and other monetary treasures!

In a vast empty green space of slum flopmarket area in a mega-loo-polis, a few shanties are erected at night; a divine deity appears in a makeshift temple a few days later; some hundred thousand dwellings spring up in the vicinity of the makeshift temple under the shelter of the (slum) Lord with complete access to water, electricity, air-conditioning and a Direct-2-Home fabled (!) connections; thus, all that's Green finally appears lean and clean! As the city ever weeps at all the green sweeps, in a remote village of India, a "son-of-the-soil", whose unrelenting toil feeds hundreds and thousands each day, with no bar to language, caste, religion, gender or region, commits suicide on account of being burdened with debt! Elsewhere, in the National Criminal Region - where prominent leaders might reside - women and children are repeatedly abused at day-and-night in moving and stationery trains and buses and cars and public places, or for that matter, within confines of their own home! (Affordable?) Housing. Education. Mid-day Deal scheme. Public Health-Scare. Ruined by those in Power. Gooned by those in the opposition. It's all happening. Here. In Malice in Blunderland.

One Youth. One Deadly Game. Spoilt Fame. Earned Much Blame. Yet. None Came. Ajmal Kasab. Hanged In India. Ajmal Ka Saab. Rest In Pakistan.

Adolf Hitler, aapse comparison? Concentrate; after all, aaj bhi kitne logon ko aap par Nazi hai! Par kuch log aise bhi hain jo yeh bhool gaye ki aapko Bal mein Jews bilkul pasand nahin!

Tyger, Tyger, you must be burning, right; truly understand your plight when, without an iota of fright, someone likens himself to your bite; fret not, let's hope someday there will be LIGHT!

A dedicated team of qualified doctors. Hundreds of Cops. Thousand Paramilitary Forces. Numerous Billionaire celebrity (?) "well-wishers". Countless sword-wielding "supporters" (not Sainiks, Please!). All trying their best to Save the "Tiger". Yet, for me, the commoner, at life's end, all that appeared to be Bala's riot was all so wrong!

Ha Ha Black Sheep, they have been fooled; Yes Sir, Yes Sir, we got our money bags pooled; millions from the last year, billions from today, zillions from the future, as India turns into OUR ground for crore play!

Shitt Romney, Hans Gaye Obama! By the way Gov, if the Race to Fight House (P)residency were to be made into a Bollywood lock-luster, it would be titled: Romney Ko Mittake, Barack Kar Doonga!

You see Sir, finally, the home of your dreams proposes to be within your reach in a proposed 60-storey residential tower. It has a proposed garden spanning lakhs of square feet. Six swimming pools. Proposed. Two tennis courts. proposed. An International School within the complex. Proposed. Amphitheater. Proposed. Proximity to the proposed railway station. And proposed airport. A proposed supermarket to meet your daily needs. Loans from leading banks and financial institutions. Conditions apply. Uninterrupted water and power supply, subject to authorities' reply. The location is a marvel and just off a proposed 80-storey residential tower. All of the above and so much more. Proposed. Er, rehabilitation of slums across the road? Opposed. Possession after 5 years? That's Supposed.

Mr.President Obama and Governor Romney, what were the 3-round power-lacked debates all about, huh? Haven't you realized that the Economy, Employment, Industry, Wall Street, Gross Domestic Poverty (GDP), Dollar, Nuclear Arsenal, Afghanistan, Iraq, Pakistan, Taliban, China, are all beyond control of what-appears-to-be the most powerful man on the planet?! Hell yeah, it's Nature and her fury-canes of the likes of Irene, Katrina and Sandy that shape the world; Sea Men and all the Masters of the Universe, when Sandy sneezes, the world freezes!

Ecclestone, you must be feeling like the King of Good times yeah, what with all that Vroom and Dhoom that the Gol-Gol-ghoom of a race gave ya; hope the event gives you yet another Bernie reason to be back where all the Mallya is! By the way, did you know that on all occasions other than Formula None, the brand "Buddh" goes Local or National and becomes a short circuit to ignite and appease voters of some poverty-stricken "backward community"? Do ya? Know? Yes? No?

Dad. Mom. You went through it all. Trials, tribulations. Joy, sorrow. Peak, trough. Celebrations, grief. All of it. Together. It amazes me. Truly. And How. Guess, I need more and a couple of you in me. Both. When you gave all those fly-by-night marriage counsellors a run for their money and weathered thunder and blunder (!) storms together. You understood. Misunderstood. And understood. Each other. Again. You showed how a lot can happen over a cutting chai or even a rice plate (!), since how Love isn't only about money, honey. You showed how work, schooling and eddication schedules need not interfere with the precious time one spends with their loved ones. You showed how love for family is above all. Family. The most prestigious A+ Grade University an individual can attend; no reservations! You showed how Fair and Lovely is a mere imagination about Fast Moving Consumer Goods that neither last nor they're good. After all, it's within; as it has always been within you. Both. You showed how honesty still remains the best policy even without a life insurance. Dad. Mom. Guess, I have been so lucky to belong to a generation that witnessed LIFE and Values. With perks. Of sheltered care. And Love. And Affection. Exemplary. You are. Will my generation be able to make it? Just like you did? Dad? Mom?

Alia, you truly must be in Jannat of the Saatwaan Aasman, huh? After all, you were selected as Student of The Year by none other than Karan Johar of Kabhie Khushi Always Glum frame! Bhatt, Alia, seriously, for Jism's sake, one expected your sissy, uncle and dad to provide a launching pad similar to all that human anatomy Murder fad that makes them go mad, and Emraan Hashmi very glad! How Bed, er bad!

Usually, an office meeting starts with a greeting where facts are overlooked, figures are shared, participants are dared to think beyond how they have fared, even as the management continues to draw everyone's attention to show it has always cared! Snacks, tea and coffee are served throughout the day, agendas are drawn, discussions are "parked", lunch is spread, massive drawing boards are prepped, a little thought is spared, decisions are deferred, and each participant takes up only what is "preferred"! At the end of it all, hours are circulated in minutes, acknowledged in days, perused in weeks, as each action item becomes a tick box only to reappear as an agenda for the next meeting in another place. And another date. And another time. FYI, until next time!

Khurshit, yeh Vadra raha, in law I TRUST! Though, what goes "gutli" to me of the Mango people in a Banana Republic - with both fruits being virtually unaffordable - is how you and your better (?) half skilfully drew a parallel between a crippled law and human disability to cheat in the name of charity! Bole toh Thakur, kanoon ke haath lambe toh hote hain, par jab Salman ne ek baar disability ki commitment kar di, toh phir woh apne Paap ki bhi nahin Sunta!

Office Bearers of all parties, including Bharat Junk Party, Shit Sena, Con-Class, National Chauvinistic Pics (!), Bahut Junk Samaj Party, Samaj Barbaadi Party, Maharashtra No Nirman Sena, in case you want to wish happy birthday to your dealers, er, leaders - local or national - please wish them over phone or send a message or dispatch a grand "mukke", er, bouquet! However, please do not erect posters with your photos and those of your cronies - each vying for a Guinness Record for a striking resemblance to the terrorist next door (!) - since the city already has too much of filth to put up with! Also, we're children of God, and so He knows, and hence there is no need for you to indulge in wasteful public expenditure (!) by welcoming citizens on behalf of Lord Ganesha or Mata Durga and erecting banners that have you sharing screen space with the divine deities; "kharr boltoy, aatach kadhoon taak, naahi tar tyaanchi satkel"!

Lewis, heard you recently burnt a lot of rubber and fuel on the streets of BKC? So, how were the roads of Bandra Kurla, Complex? You know, I, too, burn a lot of fuel and rubber on the streets of Bombay, every day; good grace, while you race to emerge an ACE, I look for SOME space to get that little pace! By the way, in your quest for speed, you must have vroomed past residences of a few personality (disorders!) who call themselves tigers and thereby tarnish the persona of a species who is already on the verge of extinction! Aaila, did you meet a cricketing icon who lives in Bandra? You see, his tax-flayed Ferrari Ki Sawaari turns on tire that simply refuses to retire! Not the least, Lewis, hope you had a toll-free chance to visit the city's iconic bridge called the Bandra-WORRY-Sealink; it's a clear favourite among those who like to savour all ties with the Arabian Sea! By the way, what does your Mc-Laren Mercedes run on? Petrol? Diesel? CNG? LPG? Kitna Deti Hai? Huh?!

God Ganesh, scien-typically speaking, your annual bumpy ride in a diesel-fuelled truck is alas apart from a jet-laden annual sojourn (!) of a CEO (CHIEF EXPENSE OFFICER!) of an MNC who comes a calling in business class, is chauffer-driven in salon-class, stays in a 5-star sea-facing suite, and yet speaks of tough times for the company and the world economy as a whole! Guess, all this has to do with the distinct nature of human and divine; bole toh, CEO 'sirf Vighna laata, Vighna karta, sabki maarta, kisi se na darta aur sirf vighna Bharta'!

Mr.Singh, Sir, heard of leadership by example? Since you've claimed that we're going through real hard times that require firm decisions to be taken, then YOU need to make a beginning; lead by example as also direct your colleagues and opposites in the Parliament, as well as babus who have opted for a career in civil and administrative services (with seemingly no intention of serving the common man!) to drastically prune (do away?!) their perks, security, FUEL expenses and lavish lifestyles that they enjoy at the expense of the tax-slaughtered common man! Please STINGH to DIGorously pursue FDI (Follow-up and Direct Intervention!) to lighten up all the black zillions stashed away in Swiss banks and elsewhere around the globe; after all, during your stint as a student of Ecocomics, you must have surely learnt about "market forces", their impact on die-sell and buy prices of fuel, as well as their assets and lie-abilities! On a side note, did you toothPASTE with Co(a)lgate when you went abroad to get a Doctor-gate? Huh?!

Business free-view? Not quite. You see, at COB, the senior management sees only all that they wish to see, the middle management shows the senior management only that they should see, even as the junior management continues to hope that the senior and middle managements would some day see what they see!

Say na, how could the cloud from the NORTH, SOUTH or EAST  dare to feast on Slumbai and create a deluge yesterday?! What's more, the cloud was so blaring and loud that it went all out to spoil and wash away tons of the soil! Now that the damage has been done, are you willing to change your image to that of Give Sena and help in Mumbai's "Navnirman"? Say na, please don't keep Mum, bhai!

Hey Deva Shree Ganeshaa, we eagerly await your arrival in the
city of screams! Before you arrive, suggest you carefully
chart out a route plan in a manner that the road should be
less shaken; of course, it is a stupendous task especially
what with caught holes every where and where none seems to
care! On a related note, the scenario in this year is more or
less similar to that in the previous year and all years
preceding last; crime seems to have learnt to withstand all
tests of time, buildings are taller, people appear smaller,
pockets get feebler, prices are steeper and slum-pockets are
even deeper! What's more, comedy and laughter episodes on TV
continue to be serial-killers; parents, grand-parents and
great grand-parents on all the Ek Tha Kasoor serials, beat
age-related ailments to appear Fair, Lovely and Handsome in
all their birth, death, incarnation and reincarnation at all
times of the day and night; Mahesh Bhattak & Co continue to
present all kinds of Raaz, Murder and Jism sequels and
prequels in what they think is Jannat for the larger audience
- seriously, not Sunny! In what MIGHT appear to be a good news
this year, a terrorist was recently sentenced to death on
charges of waging a war against the nation; before one can
rejoice, the deathly gallows have already proven to be hollow!
Hence, on your next visit and many more visits in the
following years, he might be alive and waiting to hear on a
mercy plea from the not-so-decently-appointed President of
India; bole toh, Guru ho ya Kasab, koi na jaane kab hoga inka
hisaab-kitaab!!

Suno Raj ki baat re, ho dange ya aatanki hamle, woh hameshaa hote hain theek-thackeray; baad mein nikalein woh morche aur juloos, sirf dikhane ko ke hain woh kitne 'naRaj' re; Azad maidan se Andheri tak, khud kaatein yeh insaan re; mazhab aur desh ke naam par jo baante yeh insaaniyat ko, kya hoga inka koi imaan re?!

Mr.Housing Minister, while you join your colleagues in the Parliament to prove that Man-more-hand brushed with Coalgate, and he defies your allegations with an expression (?) of Man-no-hand in Coalgate, me, the naive commoner is still struggling with the leakage in my house despite the construction company's claim of the house being a super built-up (!) area and the same being sold as a net carpet area at a sky-pocketing price! How sane? Am sure, there are millions like me out there; hence, please don't releGate issues like these to the back-burner. By the way, you too brushed with Coalgate? Huh?! Say. Say. Say na!

Wildlife photographers and film makers, in case you decide to focus your lens towards a concrete jungle, please visit Bombay; it would be a Discovery, that can represent the entire Nation so-graphic that you will begin to yearn for the Animal Planet, dearly! By the way, when you come-a-calling in the concrete jungle, do be on the lookout for a species called "Pandu", er, no, not Panda. You will "Pandu" on the road, under a tree, if one remains, or behind a light pole! The dexterity with which "Pandu" hunts for his prey is truly amazing; on seeing him in action you will end up saying, Cheeta Bhi Feeka Hai!

Multinationals, think glocal and get contacts to have your way with business in a country where every local sentry to the central Mantri is willing go all out to make things happen for ya! Want inferior-structure projects? They'll rage the bull-dozers for you to provide land at dirt-cheap rates, along with all the know-now through a "single-window" system to help you bag these projects on a Bribe-Operate-Lease-Thrive (BOLT) basis! Want Coal? Fine. They will do every thing to ensure you get the lie-sense; after all, it's only they who can stand up and laugh their way to the bank despite causing staggering losses of 1.86 lakh crore to the national exchequer! Fodder. Stock Market. Mega Events mismanagement. Not-so-real estate. Et al. Opportunities are galore. Leave Jobs, enter the thrill Gates and raise a toast to a soaring Buffet called India!

Mr.Prime Minister, yet another prepped up speech on yet another Independence Day, with an observation that "we've come a long way"! Indeed. You see, we've travelled many naughty-cal miles from the vision of true leaders of yore who dreamt of a country where the mind is without fear and the head is held high! A vision, where knowledge is free, and not afflicted by scams in as basic a right as eddication! A vision, where the world has not been broken up into fragments by narrow domestic walls of religion, casteism, gender, socio-economic status and region by those in power! Vision, Mr.Prime Minister. Unfortunately, for the billion JANA GANA MANA, ABHI KHALNAYAK (KI) HI JAYA HAI; WOH HI HAIN BHARAT (KE) BHAGYA VIDHAATA!

At home. Inside the elevator. In the building lobby. At the building entrance or at the bus stop. In the BEST bus. Inside an autorickshaw who obliged to ply. At the railway station, in the ticket queue. On the railway platform or the railway bridge. In a parking lot or a shopping mall. In offices. Public. Private. Bombay is no longer safe. For WOMEN. Bambai Meri Maan, ab Dilli Door Nahin!

Greetings Lord Krishna and wish you a very Happy Birthday! Please feel welcomed to witness how numerous "Govindas" are out on the streets of Bombay to emulate the feat you achieved with your pals thousands of years ago; the only difference is that while you, in all innocence, wanted to fetch the utterly butterly delicious mom-made butter, the contemporary "Govindas" are up in arms (!) to get that coveted cash prize ranging from a few (?) lakhs to many crores! The quest to break the "matki" is encouraged by some foot-tapping music by Chikni Chameli, Sheela, Munni, Jalebi, Raaz, Murder, Jism etc, in audio and VISUAL; all the grand celebrity fanfare and adulation is fully sponsored by leaders in power and those outside of it! Bhishma? Karna? Arjun? Duryodhana? Eklavya? Forget them, Krishna. India's reinvented into an AdharMahabharata.

Mohammed Ajmal Amir Kyasaab, kya haal hain? Four years inside the high-security prison would have been a revelation, huh? You must have learnt so much about India and its weather, people, the infrastructure, festivals, veg and non-veg food menu and a leadership (?) which is an exact replica of those you see in Khaki and plain clothing, each passing day! In case you get a chance to convey a message to your bosses in Napakstan, let them know that they needn't waste money, youth and resources to create chaos here, since India's own dealership, er, leadership is going GREAT GUNS in that direction! Meanwhile, it's been four eventful years of our association with you, and we hope that you are enjoying a safe and pleasant extended stay in our country where every Pest is God!

Yet another series of "minor" bomb blasts. Yet another terrorist attack. Yet another surge in media frenzy. Yet another lakh of compensation. Yet another furore and condemnation. Yet another "assurance" that the "perpetrators will be bought to book". Yet another temporary phase of law enforcement and action. Yet another enquiry commission. Yet, another?

‎2012 London Olympics are Played in China! Aaj unke paas Gold hai, silver hai, bronze hai; Bharat bhaago, woh medal chini Ghaai, Ghaai!

Mr.Mukherjee, keeping pace with the times we live-in (!), India re-married for the 13th time and got a Rashtrapati in you; of course, since the alliance was Sonia "arranged", there was little that the billion FEW could do! By the way, now that you are THE Rashtrapati, it is time to set a Precedent, just like the head of a household in our country does; take cues from learnings you gained during your stint as Finance Minister and cut down wasteful expenditure related to your and your far-extended family's local and foreign travel, security, food bills, electricity, personal attendants, cooking gas and fuel, to name a few that means a lot to many! On a side note, any plans to throw your weight behind crusaders, who, despite being aware of their FAST-that-will-long-LAST continue to expect a miracle at Jantar Mantar?! Weight? Huh? Shred? Throw? Some? Please?

Abdul ki Kalam chali nahin. Pratibha Fart-till the end. And now, Pranab will Crookerjee the Afzal Guru case; Rashtra (ki) Fati, why is our Indian law so SLAW?

Bentley. Mercedes. BMW. Audi. Fiat. Premier. Ambassador. Hyundai. Maruti. Tata. Mahindra. Honda. Toyota. TVS. Yamaha. Hero. Etcetera. At the traffic signal or the toll naka, towards the junction, in the bylane, on the flyover, under the subway, on the road, there's so little in a name, when they're all the same; aise bhagaao, waise bhagaao, kaise bhi bhagaao, sirf excel karna hai haan!

Preet Bharara, Sunita Williams, Bobby Jindal, et al, are you aware how more people in India mighty know you than those back home?! The Indians speak of you with great pride as having an Indian connection and States take credit for your origin, going saga and conferring Honors like 'The India Abroad Person of the Year'. By the way, speaking of States, would you like to know more about them? Er no, by States I didn't mean the USA! States? Punjab? Gujarat? Haryana? Wohi...jo des tha tera, ab pardes hai tera...?

Bombay. Delhi. Guwahati. North, East. South, West. Ms.President of India, maybe you shouldn't have commuted death sentences of those who have committed the most heinous crimes! While it is imperative to protect all that's Human, right, however laying a precedent that laws are meant to be token (!) might have sent out the wrong signals to all those who shatter! By the way, now that your decision cannot be rolled back, in capacity of the CEO of the world's largest, tolerant and benevolent damn-o-crassy, it's time you enacted a Draconian law that is ENFORCED to protect Human rights of millions of women and innocent children who are increasingly eve-teased, tortured or abused in dark confines of their homes or in broad day light!

Of course Sire, India is participating in the 2012 Olympics; didn't we display our plight (!) in sportsmanSLIP during the Delhi Commonwealth Games? Ye see, the list of participants will be made public only after the Olympics are over; until then, do make 5-star arrangements for a 200-strong contingent, by having the best of concierge services for the contingent that comprises some 180-odd officials of the Indian Olymping Association! Ssshh...in case you wish to organize a fancy opening and closing ceremony with cheap toilets and ground construction material at sky rocket prices thrown in, please contact Suresh Kalmadi; woh tumko umeed se dugna Lagaan laake dega!

Sachin, we've laid the pitch for your selection in Rajya Sabha and sincerely hope that you don't lose sight of the CORE that needs to achieve to make a difference! In case you mean business for the People's cause, rest assured the chase won't be at a fun rate, and will have googlies and fret lee super fast fouls coming your way; what's more, these will be cast at you by your own team mates! Notwit...hstanding all the restrictions, the audience in the stands expects you to wield your bat for the billion; the need of the hour is a clean sweep for development and social causes, past long gone (!), crossing all boundary lines and into the hinterlands of India! Are you willing to do your bit to revive and Boost the secret of our depleting energies by providing ek boond Zindagi ki?! Bas?

Careman Merit us, the first step towards Corporate Social Responsibility starts within your own office premises, when you treat employees as Human, not resources! Don't retrench, retain; employees losing their livelihoods and careers since YOU 'didn't see it all coming' is such a lame excuse, huh?! Encourage vision, not division. Don't wait to motivate. Pay taxes, don't evade them; its one way of ...giving back to the communities where you operate. Don't masquerade the organization as 'one single family'; keeping it purely professional is fine - all need to gun for business, not for another's blood! Reward merit, not lip service. Shun nepotism, do away with despotism; within and outside your organization. Corporate Social Responsibility. There's so much to do when lack of clarity and rampant disparity begin at home, er, work!

Sachin, we've laid the pitch for your selection in Rajya Sabha and sincerely hope that you don't lose sight of the CORE that needs to achieve to make a difference! In case you mean business for the people's cause, rest assured that the chase won't be at a fun rate, and will have googlies and fret lee super fast fouls coming your way; what's more, these will be cast at you by your own team mates! Notwithstanding all the restrictions, the audience in the stands expects you to wield your bat for the billion; the need of the hour is a clean sweep for development and social causes, past long gone (!), crossing all boundary lines and into the hinterlands of India! Are you willing to do your bit to revive and Boost the secret of our depleting energies by providing ek boond Zindagi ki?! Bas?

Plenty third June and no sign of rain! Bombay, ever wondered why it's Hot, Fright (!) and Sunny on what should otherwise have been a rainy day? Naturally, the girth of greed, dEARTH of HUMAN breed and an unquenchable thirst for need, have severely ravaged Mother Nature's control room in a man-slayed fashion; isi liye abhi jo garajte hain, woh baraste nahin!

Mrs.President of India, you're bound to get restless and nostalgic! After all, it's only the Indian bureaucracy that offers easy jail-outs, free lunches, lavish dinners, all-expenses paid foreign sojourns for self, pets, friends and family, hi-tech security and all luxuries of palatial living! By the way, I can imagine what you must be going through; if me, the commoner, gets Monday morning blues once weekends come to a closure, understandably after 5 years of sitting idle and living a life of sponsored luxury (even as the country haplessly prayed in worry!) allowing a new incumbent to occupy your (?) rooms in the Rashtrapati Bhavan would be a painful proposition! Though, now that it is decided that you got to go, whom do you support? Pranab? Kalam? Sangma? Er, for me the commoner, it matters little; the ultimate kingpin is always some where Sonia! Until next time, Pratibha Part till we meet again!

Rain rain please don't go away, please Monsoon at the earliest today; Standard & Poors are out to flay India's junk ratings on Global display!

Mr.Prime Minister, you see, Bombay's fledgling infra-fracture really needs a boost! Of course, ecocomically speaking, the solution lies in creating opportunities in hinter lands, with a caveat of not restricting these opportunities to mere mundane jobs paying a sustenance livelihood (?!) of Rs.66 per day! By the way, you might have heard of the forever under-construction Metro Fail (!) in Bombay, being built by one of your close aides, Reliance on whom is becoming a traveller's fright, all through the day and late into the night! If the always-under-construction Metro wasn't enough, one can see completed subways contructed below the main line, and flyovers under-construction above it, parallel to an empty sky-walk devoid of human folk, who are running behind schedule on over-crowded roads that have been either dug or re-routed to another lane by the city's municipal corporation for a "better tomorrow"! Could you capitalize (!) your relations with the contractor (!) and tell him, "Dhiru Dhiru nahin, Jaldi Karo Bhai Ambani?!"

Tire companies, now you don't need to spend millions on setting up labs to test durability of tires on Indian roads, one of the farcest (!) growing car markets in the world; simply fix the brand of your tire on to some vehicle and get it driven on roads of Bombay during the monsoon season! This way, you will be able to test shocks and struts (!) on tires, as well as measure great (!) road depths at which your brand of tires are able to with hold pressure and tension of the car as well as the car-driver and all that swear and tear!

Ms.Faketa Kapoor, having earned fame by creating all that's lame in a household's name, are you considering leveraging creativity (?) to diversify into other businesses like matri-money-all alliances and count-selling break-ups due to dalliances?! Beauty treatments and anti-ageing franchise promising a youthful disappearance (!) from this world would also bring in hordes of customers! If that doesn't suffice, real estate consulting is lucrative business, whereby the riddled-class, currently living by each sq ft, would be able to realise their dream of living in palatial houses as shown in your serial killers! Costumes as seen (?) in 'The Dirty Picture', the picture that you produced, shows the fashion connoisseur that you are; sell more that wears less - what a profitable venture! By the way, the few expressions above are solely that of the author; resemblance to any person living, dead or coming alive after death (!) is coincidental. All frights re-served.

Mr.Finance Minister, have you ever considered handing over reins to a battle-amassed (!) housewife who could do a better job at managing the country's finances? There are hundreds of thousands of such WORKING women (strictly, not the celebrity "entrepreneurial" Page 3 types!) in Bombay and elsewhere in India who manage their household budgets amidst much STRESS, yet with such alacrity that would put skills (?) and Global education degrees of the members of Planning Commission from India to flame!

Mrs.Swaraj, dealer (!) of the opposition, hope you and all your colleagues in power as well as those lusting for it, had a relaxed and high security-proof 'Bharat Bandh'; obviously, broken glasses, burnt buses and all other damaged public property will be reimbursed with tax-payers money! So, with much investment and effort gone into generation of resources to destroy existing ones, can we expect an outcome? Forget petrol; access to and affordability of food, clothing and shelter won't make millions like me run helter-skelter! Sushma? Jaya? Mamta? Karuna? Sena? Left? Right.

Why does a Company have divisions?

spOIL minister of India, it's time you considered austerity measures in oil companies under your domain! For that matter, you need to pay attention towards criminally wasteful PUBLIC expenditure incurred on highly subsidized fuel for Ministers and Government babus on their lavish, air-conditioned, gun-wielding, gas-guzzling cavalcades to work (?), as well personal usage on many an occasion! Even i...f that does not help meet deficit and losses faced by oil companies, ask your boss to enforce stricter laws and extract the billion Indians' zillions (!) that were and are being siphoned off by those in Tihar as well as those outside it! Satya mein kehte hain, itna panga na lo, kyonki jab aam aadmi ki phategi, tab tum sabki lagegi!

Mr. Singh, please pardon my limited knowledge about Ecocomics (!), though what's the big deal about rupee depreciation at a level of Rs.56? Everyone knows that the rupee started to depreciate the moment you turned expression less! By the way, these days Rs.56 barely takes you from one end of the Goddamn City to another in cattle-class train compartments and overcrowded buses; Rs.56 hardly buys some gram vegetables that are made to last for weeks by me, the commoner; Rs.56 hardly buys one scare (!) meal per day; bole toh, aye BILL hai mushKILL jeena jahaan, saala phatke, kabhi jhatke, khaata India meri jaan!!

‎1980s. When Bandra wasn't known for Jazz by the way! Patwardhan Park. Linking Road. Pamposh Hotel. Summer vacations had pleasant mornings and it was safe to go cycling on Band Stand! Thereafter, football and cricket ran lasted late into the afternoon; there weren't extreme temperatures then, and we knew that rains were round the corner (10 June), that would usher in even more exciting games of football on the muddy school ground! 1980s.Summer vacations. As they drew to a close, we played and played with even more rigor! It was that time of the year when 13 June was in sight and we were excited as well as nervous about a new classroom, its location, class teacher, new peers, roll number, a new partner to share 'my' desk with, brand new books covered with brown paper, new uniform, new shoes, new bag, a brand new compass box, a new raincoat and ''gumboots''; all this and so much more with a 'promise' that ''this year I will work very hard and COME FIRST''!

That thing you screw? The answer can lie in an organization's perspective about some thing that does not appear to be any thing, yet is every thing!

Workplace meetings can be an insideful (!) experience; a couple talk, others wish they were heard, many attend, a few participate, several others dream, handful complain, select few await the next round of refreshment and coffee break, and the remaining continue to wonder till the end as to why they were called to attend?!

Pradhaan Man3G, when Raja was exiting on bail, despite a well-deserved long-term in the jail, India was trying to reach you frantically; the message received was ''all crimes on this route are easy; he will try again later!''

Ek din jab tu Bambai se Poona jayega, raaste mein ek bhi tinka Pahaadon ka tujhe na mil payega; pedh paudhon ki hariyali tu dhoondhta reh jayega; expressway par itna traffic jam payega, ki aage ka signal (!) bhi tujhe nazar na aayega; jab expressway par bhi speed breaker honge, aisa samay bhi ek din zaroor aayega!

Made ya, on occasion of Mother's Day, your fascination with and coverage of celebrity moms swept me off my seat; the article on Ambani mother-daughter duo and the affection and care they might have for each other, despite being occasionally apart by 27-storeys, simply intrigued me! On a related note, the coverage of leading actresses' claims of mummy being an influence on their lives and playing a major role in their success was a revelation ; it clearly emerged how celebrity (?) moms define “fame” to their kids, as also blanket-approve of all that goes into achieving it! Happy Mothers Play!

Bombay's billion, ever heard of your next door neighbour, Sangli and it's surrounding villages? Hell nah, it isn't upmarket, is hundreds of kms away and reeling under a truly, badly, deeply severe drought this year! How about diverting water from our own empty (!) swimming pools, olympic pool, kids pool, ozone (what?!) pool etc, into waste water (!) treatment plants of our neighbour? Satya mein kehte hain, jab hamare dil pe lagegi, tabhi unki pyaas bujhegi!

Aaila Sach, in Rajya Sabha? Hope you really further a noble CAUSE than cricket, as also clearly remember that the SPONSORS this time - we, the people of India - aren't flush with funds! After all, Ghaapla (!) Kalmadi belonging to the sports fraternity in his capacity of the President of IOA (Indian O-limping Association!) also happens to be a member of a similar (Shok!) Sabha, jahaan har tarah ke crime ko diya jaata hai dabaa!

Kahaan nahi of Labour Day and Night. Merit, Rewards, Recognition; yeh sab ki aisi maya hai, bahut logon ne jise gavaya hai! After all, it's not what you know, but whom you know that flatters!

A FAMILY is THE most prestigious University in the world; it offers such valuable courses and discourses that no Doctorate can ever Master! Itna sab kuch, aur woh bhi aasaan rishton par!

So then, fellow tax-paying citizens of the United Fates (!) of America, did you just hear Citicoup's 985 CROAR (!) from Bandra Kurla Complex, a once-upon-a-time-Mum suburb? That's a lot of dollars, I tell ya!

Beauty at the least - Aishwarya, Priyanka, Celina, Sushmita - do you Miss India? Maa Kasam, do you still swear by your "ROLD model", Mother Teresa, huh?!

Late story. There are some things money can't ply (!); an autorick-jaa ride from an office-goer's residence to the nearest railway station is one of them! Sharad Rao, thanks to you and your team of Udaas Auto!

Now, why isn't there a why-relent revolt demanding reserved quota for local sons-of-the-spoil in the all-Pawarful money-baking Indian Philanderers League? Sena Mamta, tumko yeh sab kaise jamta ji, ji?!

Designations can be a funny thing; they appear to be top-level, work at the ground-level and when it comes to getting screwed, they turn mid-level!

Baap re dharti hili, hili hili.....Run-Off-Kutch (!) se Slumbai tak sabki phati, phati, phati.....richter pe sirf (!) chaar se kaapi insaaniyat.....jaan jaani jaan lo, jinke ghar dharti pe bane hote haiin (!), woh Mother Earth se pangaa nahin liya karte!

A boss can be judged by the manner with which the company he treats, and the tenure of the chauffeur he keeps!

India, you simply not fair; the mean machines are here for your cheer! However, there isn't an iota of difference in the treatment meted out by your roads to an autorickshaw and someone who is still trying to create a cult known as Hardly Davidsome, er, well?!

Buyfors lo ya Tatra, aye watan, aye watan, tujhko kardein khatam, ek jagah jab jamaan ho saale (!), Advani...., Maya...., Antony....!

News reports of six drunk-and-sloshed 23-year somethings meeting their fate (and sorry state!) as a result of rash driving at 3 am in the morning makes me wonder What were parents doing when their children were crooning, "Andheri raaton mein, sunsaan raahon par, char BACH (!) gaye, is pe party abhi baaki hai!"

News reports of six drunk-and-sloshed 23-year somethings meeting their fate (and sorry state!) as a result of rash driving at 3 am in the morning makes me wonder What were parents doing when their children were crooning, "Andheri raaton mein, sunsaan raahon par, char BACH (!) gaye, is pe party abhi baaki hai!"

A man can be judged by the family he keeps.

Ek Dinesh Indian Frailways Ka! Manmohan Thing, why didn't you Stingh when Mamta brutally Threw vedi? Isn't it time you Ban her jee?

Puttar, Pradesh mein agle paanch saal tak aisa hi hoga; election ke dauraan Amethi mein Sonia rehne wale Rahul, agle paanch saal tak Gandhi na banenge; behenji ki Maya badhti rahegi aur unke (?!) exclusive private jets fancy footwear shopping karte rahenge; Ram ke naam ka Advani-tage lekar ek aur Ayudhya (!) hoga; in sab ke beech, narm Mulayam Akhelesh hi Samaj Barbaadi Party ke lakshya ko poora karne ka prayatna karte rahenge!

Leaping over faith in the Temple of all-Mighty daud (!): Vaishnodevi se Varanasi tak, Siddhivinayak se Somnath tak, Tirupati se Trimbakeshwar tak, sab wahin khade hona chahte hain line jahaan se shuru hoti hai!

The (entire) corporate world's a Jingle; you've got to kiss-and-tale where it FLIRTS! "I've been so involved in client meetings" - really? we shall review year-end numbers to see if these meetings indeed paid off (!); "I've been travelling continuously and have been in and out of office for more than six months now" - are you feeling snappy or sad ?(!) ; "I've a client presentation lined up", - er, so we aren't the only ones to in queue to "fear" your intelligence, huh; "I was wide awake into the night working on a client proposal" - hope you created only that what will sell (!); "I have been working on weekends" – needless to say, morning blues aren’t confined to Monday alone; “I have not taken vacation leave for more than a year now” – didn’t we hear you say about travelling for more than six months, please check your travel and stay bills (!); “I’ve been busy attending a 5-day residential leadership forum at a 7-star hotel with no access to emails and hence couldn’t reply any earlier” – didn’t you attend one only last year and yet another the year before previous? By the way, was this leadership forum any different from the previous two experiences where you shared key takeaways in terms of an olympic-size swimming pool, a variety of mouth-watering food, unlimited alcohol in the evenings and a world-class customer service offered by the 7-star hotel; do you think after the forum, the organization was able to bring home a leader?! Huh?!

Zaroorat hai ek shrimati ki who believes relationships are purely all about sharing space; one who does not equate style with puffs of cigar or glasses of alcohol - er, a shetotaller (!); one who doesn't need to exude cosmetic charm 'because she is worth it'; one who truly understands that there are many things that go to make a complete woman - clothing up, down and allside-always (!) is just one of them; one who is aware that in addition to flying high, Bombay also boasts (!) of a mass public transport that might be non-AC (!); one who keeps Mars and Venus limited to planetary discussions only; not the least, one who believes in that elite institution of FAMILY that no however Hard-word or Yale-a-Warton (!) can ever match! Of course, in changing times these seem to have become Great Expectations of a Shrimaan and the Matters of the Universe!

Bala's Raj or Sharad's Pawar; Sahan Mumbai, Mahanagar Khali ka!

V Mallya, it's time you covered up (!) the Kingfisher calendar - even for a limited period - to help yourself take stock of dates that MIGHT be printed on it; after all, more than a thousand Flingfisher employees have been foregoing their salaries for months to help you remain the indisputable King of Good crimes, er, times!

Keeping pace with times of love aaj, shaayad maximum (!) kal tak, jab tak bangla, gaadi aur bank balance rahega, tab tak hamara amar prem in par tika rahega; O sanam, Saint Valentine ki Kasam, while kasmein vaade gungunaenge tum aur hum, saath nibhane ki baat hogi strictly limited to khushi and never about gham!

Dapper husband loves ever-lean-and-mean wife who loves her ex-neighbor
and elopes with his brother who had loved her sister! Dapper husband is
heartbroken and consoled by sister-in-law number 2 who loves him, even
as he re-marries (!) sister-in-law number 3. The sister-in-law number 3
realizes that her past lives in dapper husband house is her own
brother-in-law. She breaks down and weeps a tank full while ensuring
that the make-up remains in tact. Meanwhile, Dapper husband's original
Biwi number 1 realizes that eloping with her ex-neighbor's brother was
a mistake since he is married and has kids from 2-3 earlier alliances
(!) - one of the kids is her own! Amidst all the mystery that changes
course of the previous episode's history, all Saas jo kabhi bahi thi,
have an evil plan jo kisi ko bhi chaiin se jeene nahin dega; they're
assisted with able vamps who are always awake even at odd hours in the
kitchen, hall, bath room and bedrooms, too! In this Kahaani Har Ghar
Ki, where every one who is always extremely fair-yet-ugly, and all out
to defame, the standards of living are exceptionally high, putting even
Mukesh Ambani's Antilla to shame! Using a lot of lust and no trust in
the system, the channels continue to score Television Racing Points
even as the audience fondly asks Yeh Tedha Medha Rishta Kya Kehlata
Hai!

It is time film makers of today remember that Amitabh Bachchan is the indisputable DON of Indian cinema; even a thought of a remake of his movies is no less than treading the "Agneepath"! Amitabh Bachchan - poora naam, Vijay Dinanath Chavan!

Republic, eh! I feel a gush of patriotism in my veins, expected to last until the stroke of the midnight hour, tomorrow. Thereafter, I would sleep with a longing dream about studying in States, working in London, touring and vacationing in Australasia and Europe, and spending a retired life, Swiss style; India would come alive only when it's time to Jaago Re!

‎2012. A year that saw more sportsmen and fewer administrators travel to the Olympic games; India ended on a high note among the top 3! 2012. A year that saw Manmohan finally raising the pitch of his voice against all that Stings! 2012. A year that saw B-town actresses and actors THINKING beyond bikinis and fake-pack abs! 2012. A year that saw marriages being made in heaven and increasingly nurtur...ed on earth; a year that made women feel safe in their HOME and everywhere else they ventured at all times! 2012. A year that witnessed all seasons in their originality with no extreme conditions. 2012. A year that saw better and more efficient regulation and equitable distribution of necessities among common citizens. 2012; a year that showed how Yeh Sab Sirf Mayan Nahin Hai!