Heard SBI is offering a 4 percent rate of interest on savings account balance above 1-crore, and 3.5 percent rate of interest on saving account balance below 1-crore? Awesome. Which means just a 0.5 percent difference between me and a crorepati?! Which means the day is near when I will also own an airline and a calendar and go to London like the bearded dude?! And, my NPA will change from being a Non Performing Asset to Now Performing Asset?! #AbKiBaarInterestKamLeYaar

*She* is Deepika Padukone, *He* is a model, *That* is an advertisement for Coca Cola, and *They* are on TV. Hence, contrary to raging calls for women safety, she can afford to dance in a stuck elevator with a stranger while sipping Cola, click a selfie with him and get paid in crores. The Coke is not laced with sedatives either. But that’s a Pepsicide story with disclaimers. In my real world, an elevator is called lift that doesn’t stock Coke, nor does it get stuck with Deepika Padukone for company, let alone offer me a rare opportunity to click one selfie with her. Then? In my real world, my daily tryst with the building lift includes frantically pressing the bell button and shouting out loud, “Arre yaar, zara lift ka darwaza bandh karo!” Haha! #LiftKaraDe #DeepikaKaDoKhokhaCola

In addition to cooking up stories every day, I also cook food on Sundays. Rarely, though. In recent times, and on those rare occasions that I have opened the fridge, I have been seeing one lone tomato, about 23 days old, among a modest group of other vegetables. The lone tomato has been retained to remind me that once upon a time I ate tomatoes, and it also gives me hope that one day I will eat tomatoes. Because there’s a group of intellects and economists from Harvard and Oxford running the Indian economy, a demonetized and GST-governed economy growing at about 7 percent per annum. Right now, the more important agendas of the welfare state include poaching of MLAs, Bihar and Mann Ki Baat. Surprising how people can fill their stomach just listening to exceptional oratory skills, huh?! On a side note, if tomatoes and veggies are beyond the common man’s reach when the growth rate is 7 percent per annum, what will happen when India grows at 9 percent per annum?! Hey Bhagwan, jaan loge kya? #AbKiBaarMehengaiKiMaar #MannKiBaatInflationKiLaat

Wouldn’t the private sector be a wonderful place if everyone was Nitish Kumar? Imagine, leaving one job and getting another job in 5 hours flat without any deduction in salary, notice period, relieving letter, performance appraisal, exit interviews, etc! You also get to eat tomatoes costing 100-rupee-per-kilo completely FREE of cost! Until yesterday, quick job change dreams were restricted to advertisements inside the 2^nd khallas compartment of the 6.43 pm Churchgate-Dahanu fast! And then, Nitish Kumar came along and showed the world that dreams can turn to reality solely and only if you know how to “Patna”! Haha! #AbKiBaarMeriBihar

One sweet bond that has always appealed to me is the bond between grandparents and grandchildren. It’s amazing how both complement each other at distinct stages of life. They’re so far apart from one another, yet so similar. I find it a sight to behold whenever I see grandparents with their grand-offspring, getting them ready for school, standing up for them whenever parents scold, being friends with them, eating with them, trying to run with them yet barely managing to keep pace with them, being *so* protective about them, gifting them, laughing with them, scolding them with a twinkle in the eye, pampering them or just taking a relaxed and carefree stroll with them. A few bonds show how everything is still very nice in this world; the sight of two lives, generations apart, is a shining example. My heartfelt tribute to all the truly madly deeply lovely grandparents. They keep hope and faith alive. #DadaDadiKiKahaniyaan #NanaNaniKaPyaarSolidHaiYaar

I don’t celebrate Mother’s Day nor Women’s Day. Nor do I fast for 9 days during the annual Navratra festival. Perhaps one doesn’t need to engage in rituals to respect the epitome of “Adi-Shakti”. Hence, it is disconcerting to see the anguish and pain of parents of a 10-year-old girl who was rap*d and became pregnant. The girl has been petitioning Indian Courts for permission to abort her pregnancy. Petition? Are we retarded? Isn’t she a 10-year-old girl for God’s sake?! We pu...blicize and blow our own trumpet about “progression” and “economic might” to rest of the world, even as our children and women are unsafe in the confines of their own Home! What’s more, there’s some real powerful women reps out there in the Indian Parliament; of course, their appointments are on basis of merit or devoid of merit is another question altogether. I sincerely hope that the 10-year-old girl and many like her get swift “justice”. Before the onset of the annual Navratra festival in 2017. And I hope the perpetrators of such horrid crimes face gallows. Before the next “Women’s Day”! #SaveTheGirlChild

To do my humble bit for the authorities in their "bid" to fight black money, I shall voluntarily disclose the total quantity and the corresponding total cost of alphonso tomatoes purchased in the current financial year while filing my tax returns in 2018. Alphonso tomatoes? Yes. I stopped eating alphonso mangoes eons ago! #KalaDhanTanTanaTan #AllPhoneySoTomatoes

What's fast: the speed of Salman's Toyota Landcruiser on a Bandra pavement, or the price of tomatoes and leafy vegetables inside the store? Sounds big bizarre, though, when tomatoes are selling at 100-rupees a kilo, how can my neighbour's pretty daughter expect my cheeks to turn red every time our eyes meet?! Kya din aa gaye hain yaar; even sleepless nights cause my eyes to turn pale yellow instead of blood red! Sigh! #AbKiBaarLaalPilaHaiYaar

Given the perks, response and reach that Indians settled abroad receive from the Indian Government, I think it makes sense to be an Indian in America than an Indian in India. 15th August is on the horizon; I will think more about my next move once I am done celebrating and displaying my "patriotism". Bole toh, ab ki baar, hum bhi NRI bante hain yaar! #IndiaSayAmericaDo

A Sunday meal minus tomatoes is like Mallya without money, Sun without Sunny, bee without honey and a billion-dollar demonetization exercise that only targets "chavanni"! Sahi mein yaar, ab ki baar sabzi "mandi" ki hai maar! #VeggieFables

In an effort to do my bit for the Indian Government in their "bid" to fight black money, I shall voluntarily disclose the total quantity and cost of alphonso tomatoes purchased in the current financial year while filing tax (despite absence of returns) in 2018. #IfYouCantEatBreadGoRed #IdolWorshipCommonersHardship #BlackMoneyLakhMoneyLackMoney

While the trillion-tonne iceberg was melting in Antarctica, some 12,000-kms away, an island city was slowly transforming itself into an ocean. Yes, this monsoon, Bombay is no longer on the shores of the Arabian Sea; it is *the* Arabian Sea. And the credit for this feat, once again, goes to everyone at the National, State, district and municipal level. GST or VAT, toll tax or Swachh Bharat tax, Income tax or sales tax, election or no election, cow or bull, saffron or spice, EVM or paper, cutting across party lines, the relentless effort to keep Bombay flooded from head-to-toe has been remarkable. So, while million-year-old icebergs melt elsewhere across the globe, in Bombay it is the one-month-old-roads that melt, bridge gaps between the Earth’s surface and crust, and turn all geo-logical theories to dust. Is James Cameron considering a sequel to his blockbuster “Titanic”? Yes? He can shoot in Bombay to leverage its elaborate pothole design system. It’s a darn sinking ship, after all; and I am not even talking about the “Titanic”! Haha! #WhatHolesMassHoles #LakhHoleTheory

Janaab, O No! You have been proven guilty in the Panama papers case! Nawaz: No problem, nothing happened to Amitabh Bachchan in the same case. Diplomat: Sir, but he is Amitabh Bachchan. All his Juhu bungalows give out "Khushbu Gujarat Ki". Hence, he went scot free! Moreover, he lives in India, the world's largest democracy where jail is imaginary, bail is real and convicts are free to fly to London and never return like Mallya! Nawaz: But India is Pakistan's big brother? Sunny Deol screamed this sentence in one of his movies. Diplomat: Sir? Nawaz: don't worry, I won't go to London like Mallya and Musharraf. I will go to Italy! Diplomat: Sir, there's something intriguing about Italy. Nawaz: Why? What? Diplomat: look at Rahul; he tries making Indian Rotis, yet ends up baking Italian pizzas instead! #PanamaWafers #MujheBailChahiye

Sir, terrorists from Pakistan attacked a bus carrying pilgrims. Mantriji: Really? Great! See, our threats to China worked. We flexed our muscle, and the Chinese couldn’t enter Kashmir! Diplomat: Sir, the dispute with China is not for Kashmir; it is for Doklam near Sikkim. Mantriji: Really? Let me check Twitter. I keep tweeting 60 tweets per minute. Diplomat: Sir, how do we handle the unfortunate killing of innocent pilgrims. Mantriji: Hmm, let me tweet and condemn, first. It is a part of our process flow. After that, we need to condemn for the next 2 weeks, every alternate day. Diplomat: Sir, but didn’t we criticize our predecessors for lip-service? Mantriji: We did? Let me check Twitter. No one can criticize us for paying lip-service; after all, the sale of lipsticks under our regime has grown by leaps and bounds! And, did you know, condemn is the best contraceptive? It helps Governments from being con-damned! #AbKiBaarCondemnKarteHainYaar

One Saturday evening, a well-maintained Mummy of about 45-kg ran on the treadmill while chatting with the gym instructor, a replica of Salman Khan. She crossed the stipulated treadmill time of 20 minutes. Just like that. She was happy. Salman was happy, too. A few treadmills away, her husband of 40-kg waited with their 11-year girl child of about 10-kg, at the reception area. Daddy and Beti appeared as though they were about near-extinct and appeared to be living with a T-Rex... at home! Haha! When Mummy was done chatting with Salman, she called up the cook and asked him to prepare Chicken Dum Biryani for dinner tonight, since *She* had a very simple meal in the afternoon. Daddy and Beti didn't look impressed since they weren't consulted on the menu. With dreams in their eyes, they went home, but not without Mummy bidding a hearty goodbye to Salman. Daddy had no one to say to goodbye to. And what was I doing midst this Alas-Bahu saga? I hovered. Like a phoney-bee. I also want to have muscle like Salman, someday! Haha! #WomenPowerMenCower #MenAreNoStarsWomenAreFromVenus

Did Rahul meet the Chinese envoy? No? Yes? Not a big deal. Why? Rahul’s conversation with the Chinese envoy in English is equal to the Chinese envoy’s conversation with Rahul in Chinese! Haha! #MainBhiMoody #AgliBaarMainPMbanoongaYaar

Nawaz: Mr.Xi Jinping, President of China, Doklam rightly belongs to you. Xi: Yes, dhokla is a Gujarati speciality. I ate a few when I visited Ahmedabad with Modi in 2014. Nawaz: No Sir, I meant, Doklam near Sikkim? Xi: Ah yes, Doklam! Yes, it belongs to China. In fact, China also owns Vietnam, Washington, Australian coral reefs, Moscow, Posco, Costco, Kashmir, Kathmandu, Bhutan, Brazil, planets, solar system, galaxies, world’s oceans, rivers, gutters and even Pakistan. Nawaz: Er, yes Sir, the Indian Government is at war with China, yet looks to convert Bombay to Shanghai. Xi: Shanghai? Really? Then Bombay, too, belongs to China. Let me dispatch troops there tomorrow. Nawaz: but Sir, there’s an existing local Sena that claims ownership rights of the city. Xi: Hmm, I know. But then, I’ve also heard their discussions about quitting Chinese products over an elaborate meal of chinese fried rice, hakka noodles and manchurian, huh?! #SickHim #HindiChiniShanghai

I wonder if Trump discussed the new pastime concept of lynching in India with Moody during the latter’s visit to the States. After all, isn’t a lot of American branding at stake when a multi-billion-dollar company called Merrill Lynch exists in Trump’s own country?! And, how did Moody extend the India invite to Trump: Holy cow mat khao, aao kabhi lynch pe?! Haha! #LynchPinch #AbKiBaarLynchKarteHainYaar

Sir, Happy American Independence Day! Unfortunately, North Korea launched an ICBM missile towards Japan today. Trump: ICBM? Ah, you mean, Iraq, China, Brazil, Mexico? I will handle them. Aren’t we building a 25-billion-dollar wall on the Mexican border already? Diplomat: Sir, ICBM means intercontinental ballistic missile, which can also hit the Hawaii. Trump: I know, I know, I know everything. How about bombing Iran to divert attention of the world? They have oil like Iraq and no weapons of mass destruction! Or how about supplying weapons and money to Pakistan for Mission Kashmir? Let Modi and Nawaz engage in war? Diplomat: Sir, USA cannot afford another war! Trump: mate, ya fail to understand, USA has never spent anything on war; the rest-of-the-world paid the price, and continues to do so?! #RoyalPolitrickallCircus #FhiteHouse

Now, only if I listened to my Mother and studied judiciously, I, too, would've cleared the Union Public Service examination, opted for the Finance Ministry, perhaps become a policy-baker, and maybe would have had a chance to attend GST proceedings in the Central Hall of the Indian Parliament in Nayi Dilli. After all, it's all so cosy inside that hall; just look at the expressions of all those present, after eating a heavily sponsored meal, more than half the attendees are about to doze off and fall! Haha! #AbKiBaarRaatHoGayiYaar #AajTohBarahBajenge

Only 3 days have passed since the fanfare introduction of GST and 2 big events have already occured: today is American Independence Day, and Tamatar is selling at 55-rupees a kilo! Is tamatar under the purview of GST? Yes? 28% slab? Seriously, some Governments have an amazing gift of the gab! Haha! #AbKiBaarTamataarMatKhanaYaar #MiddleKhallas