Can the Indian Army carry out covert operations and surgical strikes inside Indian jails? There are a number of terrorists known, and they’re one of our own. Indicted. Convicted. Yet, always conflicted. Don’t get it? It’s fine, be Nirbhaya. After all, while there’s unflinching valiance at the International borders, there’s utter leniency in Indian court orders.

Hey Cauvery, how’s the flow in Jhelum, Chenab and Indus? Heard "paani" is also under the ambit of treaties these days? Is Ganga, Brahmaputra? Ya Muna? So, how do they measure and divide litres and cusecs among different sects? And, whose side are you on: Bangalore, Madras, Islamabad or Dilli? Which divide is better: State-level or country-level? Heard of “ullu, bhar paani”? They say that a lot in Bombay during summers. By the Bay, did you watch Ram Teri Ganga Maili? At Haridwar. And Varanasi. Starring the wet-and-wild Mandakini; not the river, naughty! And a famous punchline, “main nahaya nahin hoon, (isi liye) Maa Ganga ne mujhe dhulvaya hai!”

Jaani, if an asteroid from nowhere can strike Earth and destroy an entire generation of “saurs”, animals can evolve into humans (who seem to be evolving into demons), plants and animals can communicate and human beings often miscommunicate, matter can become antimatter, antimatter can become any matter and any matter can become a funny matter (now, whatever that is!), then there surely is a Creator, somewhere. He turns the lights ON every morning, turns the tap ON every year from June to September, installs the annual AC compressor that chills, and a heater thereafter, that moderates. 100% subsidized. Unhe hum God bolte hain; koi shak? Anyway, the views expressed here are solely that of the author; please don’t bother. Resemblances to any person, living, dead or lurking in-between (ouch!) is coincidental; just, don't be mental.

Sir, this week has been widely celebrated as the Pakistan week in India. I miss Obama and his “condemnation”; at least? Anyway, it might be worthy to run a cost-benefit analysis of all trips undertaken to-date vis-à-vis the “image of India created abroad”. While you carried goodwill from India with a view to develop healthy relations with other countries, the reciprocation in this hour of (severe!) crisis has been nothing more than “verbal condemnation”. No one (will) is ostr...acizing Pakistan (directly); they’ve their own gains (and perhaps, fears!) of a “terrorist State”. India. Stands. Alone. Meanwhile, it’s worth-your-while to imbibe good qualities even from those whom you consider to be opponents. In this case, your predecessor didn’t stoop low with personal attacks; there are complexities and compulsions for you at the top, and everyone understands this. In fact, his predecessor, Mr.Vajpayee, too, was a very able Statesman, and there’s a lot to learn from such Leaders and Statesmen. Sums up, jo toofani hote hain, woh baraste hain; garajte toh sirf badal hain!

So, what does Nawaz’s day look like? Get up at 5 am; the alarm resembling multiple detonated bombs on M,W,F and gunshots on T,T,S. 6 am: Check mail to ascertain that he is still the PM. Sleep. 6.45 am: check mails with eagerness to ascertain if Raheel is alive. 6.46 am: curse his fate. Sleep. 8 am: call from Raheel. 8.05 am: diarrhea. 8.30 am: call to check if the office building still stands. 9 am: leave for office. Enroute, read Bombay Times, Page 3. 9.30 am: reach office and fill his water bottle. 9.45 am: check mail to see if ships have crossed the Panama canal. 10 am: confidential meeting with Hafiz and Zaki to discuss all-fayda. 1 pm: lunch with Raheel. 1.05 pm: diarrhea. 1.30 pm: daily pledge of ensuring that nothing’s OK in PoK. 1.45 pm: meeting new recruits and admiring their Guns-n-Poses. 3 pm: Listen to Modi’s Mann ki Baat. 3.15 pm: checking Kashmir’s weather on accuweather. 3.30 pm: daily call with Xi’s interpreter. 4.30 pm: the daily urge to immigrate to London. 5.15 pm: call from Raheel. 5.20 pm: diarrhea. 6 pm: shut down. 8 pm: reach Home. 8.30 pm: dinner time. 9 pm onwards: coordinate Uri, Pathankot, Mumbai and Kashmir. Hai na, sahi? Sun UN sun, Nawaz ki dhun…!

Nawaz isn’t Sharif. Raheel wants Nawaz. He wants Kashmir, too. Xi wants Raheel and Nawaz. Obama wants them, too. Xi builds a pipeline for them to pass through India. Obama takes the aerial route and gifts them dollars, aeroplanes and drones. Xi and Obama: them, clones. Happy with Obama’s barracks and Jinping’s ping-pong, Nawaz and Raheel develop a network of terror, load it with idealistic error and make it so complex, that it becomes difficult to say who’s the bearer. Bole toh, unki nazar hai buri, hence they attacked Uri. It’s time India wielded a “Chhuri” and fried them like garma-garam puri! Angry kya? Grab their knickers!

“Sir, I have been in the hotel industry for 31 years. I worked abroad for 11 years when I missed my country and came back. It is painful to see food going waste in an impoverished country like ours. While we make money, someone somewhere is going hungry, while leftover on the hotel tables is being cleared. Sir, did you know, the amount of food wasted in India annually is sufficient to feed Egypt for a year? We can’t utter a word, since we’re in the service industry, Sir. I come from a very humble background, and hence I know the value of food. Even educated people waste food, and this practice is widely prevalent across categories of hotels”. Now, whosoever said that formal education can buy class, didn’t know where to go schooling…haha!

Kya zamana hai yaar. People declare their 5-star check-in, (strictly) aviation travel (no doubt, State Transport Corpn and railways in India are a loss-making affair), lunch, dinners, breakfast, pee-poo, honeymooning and love-and-longing for one another on social media, as also claim that it’s their PRIVATE life and the whole world’s got nothing to do with it. Anyway, never trust one man’s power and the nearby electric tower; one uses and then refuses, while the other just fuses! Hahaha!

Even in the lonesome stillness of the night, I’ve seen Her shining, O so bright; She held me like a guiding light, and stood steadfast when things weren’t right; She’s frail, She’s worn, yet has the invincible might to never gave up on me when I think it won’t be alright; She stands, sits, walks, ascends, descends, cries, laughs, wanders (even aimlessly), sleeps, awakes, feeds, goes hungry; She is all that and only what a true Mother can be; after all, if She weren’t she, then who would teach ME to be me?

Children, as per a new syllabus devised on either side of State borders, water is a highly combustible substance that can cause fire when one State’s desire evokes another State’s ire. The situation is dire. Who is a liar? The answer is known only to the big Sire. But then, where did the river originate many centuries prior? And then, why to burn a bus and its tire? What do they think, riots and arson result in the water being transferred wire? Can’t those who incite in their well-toned attire remember that they’re well past the date of expire, and on the verge of retire? But child, you don’t perspire, such lessons will always be there to learn as you grow higher. Bole toh, while the situation appears scary, don’t be so teary-weary. The river’s not Ganga or Yamuna, yet; it’s only Cauvery.

Mom thinks times have changed; while I am still young, she’s old. Technology is on a threshold, yet relationships are cold. Parents are too busy to scold, children don’t like to be told and empty homes make a household. Lo and behold, money and power redeem gold and virtue is sold. Summers and monsoons are scorching hot, while winters aren’t even bold. And then, as she is about to break into another mould, I bring her back into the fold. Is she fashioned old? Can’t be, since the world she grew up in appears to be tad different manifold!

Tourists, visitors and travelers scheduled to arrive in Bombay from Monday, 05 September, onwards are requested to ascertain direction to their destination beforehand, since all direction signboards are likely to be covered with posters. After all, it’s the time of the year when Gods will reincarnate in Human form and welcome (“hardik swagat”, remember?) one and all! Please do not get carried away with finger-pointing photos of the Gods, since these are eternally misleading in all directions. Do notice the shape, size and thickness of God’s moustache and its evolution over time, as well as the jewellery worn by Goddesses, sufficient to feed India’s poor for 1000 years. Did you know, it takes an annual budget of about 35000 crore rupees to maintain these Gods? By the way, what did Mom say when I asked her about Govindas flouting the 20-feet dahi-handi guideline issued by the Supreme Court? She said, “keep quiet and don’t utter a word; don’t you know they’re Goliaths and you’re Hardly David Son?!”

In the gym this morning. He: our gym in USA is bigger than this. Me: is it your private gym? He: Er, no. But then, our entire family lives in the US. You have relatives there? Me: no, but wait, you got mouth sores? He: No, why? Me: oh, that’s the American accent, eh?! He (elated!): we have been living in the US for more than 25 years now. Me: nice. He: It’s very clean compared to India. People are nice, the Government takes care, a very safe country. Me: you own a gun? He (dumbfounded!): What?! Me: nothing, so, what brings you here? He (in original Indian accent): oh, it’s the Ganpati festival. So, have you visited the States? Me: No. He: am sure, you too must want to go and settle there? A lot of Indians do. Me: I don’t, there’s so much to be explored in India. I love my country. He: you serious? You can still love your country and do things for people while staying abroad. Me: True. But why go and stay in someone else’s Home when you’ve got one to call your own? He: Perplexed. Me (with my hands on his shoulder): Mera Bharat, Jahaan! Cut to climax: He shifted from the bench to the treadmill :-)