My Mother has a story about everything. She has stories about abundance before the Green Revolution, people living into their 90s long before medical advancements and the GM diet took over, big joint families with dozens of children, weather rarely playing truant, the humble steam locomotive on narrow gauge and the connect among people even when they had to walk miles to make a precious local/STD phone call. She has stories about children who were not diabetics, stars who clothed completely despite modest film budgets, when love and commitment spanned decades without being exhibiting commodities, and when one family owned a TV and everyone in the locality got together to watch Doordarshan. She narrates stories of times when Antakshari took precedence over mindless argument, politicians were still honest, radio was solely about music, and monthly household bills were limited to a few hundred rupees. She tells me stories about buildings that still stand tall and strong without leakages, when women could walk out at 11 pm in the evening, and when children could be entrusted with neighbors. All generations are unique; though, some are more unique than others. #OfARockAndRollGeneration #WhenTimeStoodStill

Yo man, I am extremely health-conscious. I sleep for 12-hours, snooze for another 2, always take the elevator to the ground floor from the 1^st floor, run on the treadmill for 20 minutes, exercise with air-conditioners ON, drive 500 meters to fetch milk and groceries after paying GST, and help my Mother daily in her relentless and unending household chores by filling one glass of water during lunch and dinner. How is it then that Mummy looks 70-going-on-17, while I look 38-grown-to-83, huh?! By the way, never judge a man’s achievements by his frequent flyer membership; it might all be company-sponsored! Uff!

Its pouring in Bombay. Are the Gods celebrating a Baba's conviction, or a neighbouring country's Doklam eviction? In any case, for those who manage to brave the waves of the Arabian Sea on the Eastern Express Highway, please get your car tires checked tomorrow; what holes yaar! 😉

So what if it was for a day, atleast yesterday the potholes weren't visible; though, while wading through shoulder-deep waters, I wished, like every year, to be 8-feet-11-inches tall. Sach mein yaar, life can suddenly turn so dramatic at times that it becomes difficult to say if Bombay is on the shores of the Arabian sea, or the Arabian Sea has crossed the shores of Bombay. And, while some folks in Bombay are marking themselves "safe" on Facebook, I wonder why aren't people in Haryana and Chandigarh doing the same; hasn't the Baba gone to jail? Or, pending an upcoming election, is he likely to get bail? 😄 #DekhoBaarishRoRahiHai

A-Bapu: Hey Gurmeet, welcome buddy, finally we mate? Gurmeet: 20 years in jail, yaar! I will get so bored and be starved of my basic instinct. A-Bapu: Have faith, after all, Ram is common to us both; you are Gurmeet Ram, and I am Asaram! Gurmeet: wow, shall we play ludo to pass time? A-Bapu: Yes, we shall play libido. Gurmeet: Nah, I didn’t say libido; though, I must confess, you’ve got me excited, yeah?! 😂😂😂#20YearsInJailPleaseNoBail

Tomorrow is Monday. Hey Bhagwaan, in the new week, let all my bosses become like Narendrabhai who strongly stands by his subordinates, including those responsible for death of children by negligence or death of adults by failure of Baba Ram Rahim's intelligence 🤔🤔🤔😂😂😂 #AnotherDayInTheTimesOfIndia

Time: 11.35 pm. Location: somewhere on a National Highway. Number of parties involved, directly: 2. Number of parties involved, indirectly: 22. Matter: doesn't matter. Background: one car raced ahead of another - uski gaadi meri gaadi se aage kaise? Cops: on-scene. End result: chai paani, even after demonetization. Imagine, people have the time and tremendous stamina to argue, quarrel and create a traffic jam late at night over trivial matters. Now, why I am not surprised by the ruckus and rioting on the streets of Chandigarh and Haryana? Lesson learnt from the billionaire Godmen: when "babas" and their social service organizations speak of peace, seva and harmony, what they actually mean is "piece", "mewa" and "hard money". Good night. #BhagwanSabkaBhalaKare

South Korea: Samsung scion jailed for 5 years in a bribery case. India: a self-proclaimed billionaire Godman in Haryana awaits verdict in a 16-year-old rape case. His followers block roads, drones, choppers and Army deployed, leaves cancelled, schools and colleges shut, trains and buses cancelled, curfew imposed and normal life completely disrupted. Bribery case: serious. Rape case: very serious. True faith moves mountains. Blind faith blocks roads. Welcome to India, Lord Ganesh 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏 #DeraSachaSauda #FaithNeverKills

Howdy, Ganpati? It’s already been a year since we last met? Or, wait; we bumped into one another when I visited your headquarters at Siddhivinayak, Dadar, on several occasions, and the experience each time was amazing. How do you manage to answer to such a huge crowd of growing devotees, each with a wishlist of their own? You cover vast geographies, erase long histories and clear deep mysteries, just like that? O yes, Lord Krishna visited recently; we celebrated his birthday. You must have received a download about happenings on your creation that you set up under a joint venture with all other Gods cutting across religious lines? You are “vignaharta”. Hence, the 10-day celebration should be sufficient for you to clear all the mess? Could you try? Remember, when you’re gone after 10 days, you will have to share your experience with Mummy; “Adi Shakti”? Her 9-day itinerary is finalized for September. I tell ya Ganpati, women and children are not safe, and She isn’t happy. Please do na, something: Ganpati Bappa, More Ya? #GodsAndKings #FaithHeals

It is Monday morning. Hence, O lord, the almighty, in this week at least, will it be possible for you to please ensure that all oxygen cylinders from Gorakhpur to Goregaon remain breathable, all trains run on tracks only, all roads remain drivable and all sabzi and groceries remain affordable? I didn't pray for the guilty to be punishable, since I know that even you are unable when it comes to the might and power of the able. Sach mein God, life has become such a fable that even in a growing economy driven by a strong dealership, er leadership, the big challenge is bringing medium-sized tomatoes on a small dining table! 😂😂😂 #TrainChalegiNahinUtregi #PeopleStillBuyGas #HitTheDartJustF*rt

Imagine a cordon of security personnel going to provide security to a newly-appointed Minister No.1; they suddenly receive a call that he is no longer Minister, and now security needs to be provided to Minister No.2. By the time they take a U-turn to go and provide security to Minister No. 2, they get a call to provide security to Minister No.3. And finally, by the time they reach Minister No.3, they are informed that Minister No.2 is in jail, Minister No.3 is beaten and frail, and Minister No.1 is once again ready to sail. The frequency at which Ministers, Chief Ministers and all other Ministers switch sides on "ethical grounds" these days, it appears as though the world is suddenly becoming honest. Hmm, honesty is the best policy; but, only if you have life insurance! 😂😂😂 #GovernanceGayaTelLagane #MaximumGovernmentMinimumGovernance #SabNitishKiSasikalaHai

There’s nothing that beats the taste of food cooked by a Mother. The lavish ambience and grandeur of Star hotels, the services rendered by them, the exotic food cooked by their chefs might be a class apart, yet, it is Mummy who always steals the show. There’s nothing, just nothing, that can beat the yummy taste of even a very simple meal like dal-chawal cooked by a Mother. Hotels create experiences with a charge; Mothers create memories, completely free, to last for a lifetime! So, what lacks in the exotic spread of a hotel: simple yaar, Maa ka pyaar! #MaaKeHaathKaKhana #NoPlaceLikeHome

So, the next time my Mother frets over my late-30-year-old childish behavior, I will extend my free advice to her: Mom, if you really want me to change, please take a cue from the name change exercise of roads, airports, railway stations and dilapidated bridges; the exercise manages to win elections for common Governments and create an aura of services, however imaginary, for common people. Wow, now if my mother changed my name to Barack Obama?! 😂😂#RoadNahinNaamBadlo #HotIsInAName

Heard there was a daring robbery in 7 compartments of the Bombay-Hazrat Nizamuddin August Kranti Rajdhani Express, when 12-lakh rupees vanished while the victims slept? Also, heard that the train has something called dynamic pricing and surcharge plus GST where rates go up and down, just like robbers do? Nice. After no curtains, no blankets, and avoiding food that appears yummy to the animal kingdom, it is time passengers gave up sleeping, too. I am waiting for the 1-lakh crore Bombay-Ahmedabad bullet train; it might be safer. Though, the safest place on the Indian Railways lies deep inside the 2nd-class compartment of the overpacked 7.46 pm Virar fast; if a robber gets in full form, he will come out either fully deformed or completely reformed 😂😂😂 #GoldMaalHaiSabGoldMaalHai

Truly, the strength of a man is a woman. Else, how does one explain a frail 45-kg frame attempting his maiden 105-kg deadlift while focusing on the 20-something damsel in the gym? On a related note, behind every successful Indian man, there’s a woman, or a few. However, behind every Indian woman, straight-talking or jaywalking, there’s a man stalking, and it’s not new 😂😂😂 #Vazandaar #GrowUp #FreeTheFemale

Kids: Happy birthday Lord Krishna. Heaven is so much better than the general ward of a Gorakhpur hospital. But we were too young to die? How will our parents cope up? Will they still vote for the Monk Who Became Yogi? God: Welcome children! 63 of you, right? Hmm, don’t worry, I will give strength to your parents. Strange things are happening with my creation, though. There’s a Monk Who Became Yogi, Bahu who became Smriti, Babul who became Supriyo Minister and Donald who became Trump. Kids: But God, we could have been saved? For many of us, it was our 1^st Independence Day. God: Of course, you would have survived if you were a Rajya Sabha seat in Gujarat, Amethi or Goa. Here, let me make good your loss of being unable to witness India’s Independence Day; meet the Freedom Fighters of India. The original legends. Kids: Thank you, Lord, though, there would have been a better way for us to die? And, we couldn’t even get a glimpse of the country we were born in. God: Don’t worry, children; you didn’t miss anything. As for a better way to die, well, honestly, the supply of oxygen is real hard to come by in a country that thrives on carbon dioxide. Er, though, even I am unable to get an account of the bills paid for world's oxygen 😊😊 #HonestyIsTheBestFallacy #ThankGodThereIsGod

Speech suna kya? Awesome na? Even the Lal Qilla turned red. But kya, bola kya? What did he say? Did Mallya of London watch the LIVE telecast from Lal Qilla? Any special offers coming up since 8th November is near? Anyway, while the earlier one didn't speak for 10 years, the current one has been speaking for the last 3 years. Bole toh, to conquer poverty, kar bhala, TV chala, and bhook lage, toh listen to the LIVE telecast from Lal Qilla 😂😂😂😂 #Speechless

30 children, including newborns, die of medical negligence in Gorakhpur, while 80-year-old and 90-year old Mantris and their sentries thrive due to medical intelligence in Dilli and Bambai? Yes. Because the electors go to a Sarkari hospital, while the elected go to AIIMS, Breach Candy and Lilavati. Kya karein bhaiya, aisa hi hai, accountability ke liye account aur ability dono honi chahiye na! 😂😂😂 😂😂#AbKiBaar5StarTreatmentHaiYaar #Gorakhpur

Health advisory to parents who pay taxes and stand in long queues to exchange old 500 and 1000 rupee notes: please carry portable oxygen cylinders while treating children at a Government hospital. Kya pataa, kab kisi ki hat jaye, aur oxygen supply kat jaye 😂😂😂😂 #SabGasDeteHainYaar

I am extremely fortunate, blessed and very privileged to have my ancestral roots in Gokul where Kanha spent his childhood, before he embarked on his pursuit to uproot the evil in Mathura, and later to share his wisdom with Arjun on the battlefield of Kurukshetra. And since I am a "Gokul Ka Gwaala", it is only natural for me to notice that it rains every year on Janmashtami. Hmm, miracles happen when it rains 😊 Actually, the lives, values and teachings of Lord Krishna and Maryada Purshottam Ram are completely beyond comprehension of lesser mortals like me. In any case, Happy birthday Krishna. Say Hi to Ram and Rahim. Rest is fine; haathi ghoda toh humne paal li, ab hamein zara Human bana do kanhaiyalal ji

Trump: Xi, please ask your ally Kim Jon-Un to exercise restraint. I have been unable to exercise for the last few days. Xi: Donald you, too, exercise restraint; he is a kid, after all? Trump: he is a belligerent kid who does not realize that there will be “fire and fury” like the world has never seen before. Xi: Are you threatening me by chance? Trump: Er no, that statement was for Twitter, mate. Am sure, you’re on my side? Xi: ah yes, I was a little busy with Bhutan, India and Doklam. However, now that there’s a regime change in Pakistan, I have asked the incumbent Prime Minister there to keep the Indians busy, like always. Trump: count on me for supplying weapons to your friend in Pakistan. We might have stopped payments to them for the time-being, but then there’s always a post-dated cheque, ya mate? #Politricks #UnitedStatesOffNorthKorea

There's a difference between theory and reality. In theory, it is a road, in reality it is a pothole. In theory, Mallya is an offender, in reality he is a defender. In theory, white can't be made black, in reality black can be made white. In theory, there are 282 elected representatives of people, in reality it appears to be a one man story. In theory, salary before tax grows at 8 percent per annum, in reality inflation before tax grows at 28 percent per annum. In theory, China is the enemy, in reality it is the PayTm. In theory, America is the greatest nation on Earth, in reality Trump is the President of America. In theory, there's a Sunday before Monday, in reality there's a Monday after Sunday 😂😂 #VirtualReality

In addition to carrying pepper spray, learning Taekwondo, taking lessons in running from Usain Bolt, not venturing out after 5 pm in the evening and covering themselves completely in a spacesuit, it is time women in India started carrying portable CCTV, too. Portable CCTV? Yes, because the CCTVs already-installed are designed to capture everything on the road, except the stalker and his victim. #BetiBachaoBhaagnaSikhao

Uncle and Aunty, if you would have spent time and done some talking, then perhaps Vikas would not be stalking. If only you’d told him that *V* for Vikas and *V* for Varnika is not ‘Yaarana’, then the IAS officer’s daughter would have been safe on the streets of Haryana. Perhaps he forgot (and so did you) that power is not to make other people cower; it is to bridge connections in the right places like Mukesh Bhai’s mobile tower. And the first time any such incident about Vikas was brought to your notice, you should have asked your son to grow up and be a Man, be lovely more than fair, get a sun-tan, stop acting like ShinChan and, most importantly, taken away the keys of his SUV van. #StopStalkingStartTalking #PowerCaRrupts

I feel bad for kids these days. I mean, I grew up brushing with Colgate, traveling to Churchgate, climbing my building’s broken gate and jumping over my neighbour's plush bungalow gate. Of course, I did hear some things about Richard Nixon’s Watergate and Los Angeles’ Golden Gate. But contrast this to the present, when kids are constantly exposed to Panama Gate, Swiss Gate, Commonwealth Gate, Hawala Gate, Coal Gate, Telecom Gate, Chikki Gate, Fake Degree Gate etc. I think it’s time we showed some mercy on our children; after all, it can be really taxing for a child to read about so many Gates, yet not confuse any of them with Bill Gates, huh! #AbKiBaarKyaRoleModelHaiYaar #CloseTheGatesBringBackTheGreats

Madam, you made a statement that our Army can fend off Chinese aggression. However, a major chunk of our weaponry needs to be replaced! Mantriji: really? O no! How did China respond to my empty rhetoric? Diplomat: Madam, *empty rhetoric*?! China advised us not to make provocative statements. Mantriji: Really? I didn’t know that my speech would have a wide reach. I meant it as a “jumla” because I don’t have to go and fight the enemy at the border. Anyway, where do I go in case I need to run? Diplomat: Aren’t you Minister of External Affairs? Mantriji: yes, but my boss travels all over the globe leaving me to the mercy of Twitter. Now, what about my impression back Home? Can Smriti help me with Photoshop? She is very good at it. Diplomat: Ah, she has been promoted, Madam. After all, the times are such that the next level of a simple Photoshop is a high-level photo-op! #WarAndPiece #ChandniTalkToChina