Kya baap kamaal hai, what an electoral victory it has been! An unprecedented victory of those who represent India’s women: Sonia, Smriti, Sushma, Jaya, Mamta and Karuna (oops, sorry!), all replicas of Maya, UP there! A triumph of the eternal birth-right of aged men and women, cutting across party lines, who rigorously pespire and remain very close to date of expire, yet never tire or retire despite always being in the line of fire. But then, what drew Rishi’s ire? Name? Surname? Fame? Or simply, blame? Sea-link? Toll-plaza on the sea-link? Where’s the weak link? WE Highway? Airport? Indira? Gandhi? Ranbir’s Kat? Ram’s temple? Babur’s mosque? One statue in the Arabian sea, and another statue of Unity in debt and drought-ridden States? What’s the Raj, Kapoor? And then, kya kisiko mera khayaal hai, jab mere paas ek bada sawaal hai? Tur dal at 200 and tamatar at 60 rupees a kilo; kaho na, kiski keemat zyaada bemisaal hai?

How can the UK agency reject car models from Maruti and Mahindra after a crash test? Ok, it is fine to blame the erstwhile Government for having set-up an auto manufacturer with the name Maruti, when the sacred name should ideally be confined to a Ram temple. But if Tata Steel’s UK, why penalize Mahindra for it? Crash test speed of 64 km/h? Where does this figure come from? Cars on Indian roads ply at an average speed of either 5 km/h in peak hours, or 160 km/h in non-peak ho...urs on pavements and Hill Roads. In fact, post-midnight, when darkness descends and all shops and bakeries close down, many manual cars become self-driven in auto mode. Moreover, many cars don’t even move a kilo nor a metre during monsoon. Can the agency double-check to ascertain if the crash-tested car was a Landcruiser and not a Scorpio? And, who was the driver behind the wheel during the crash test? Rocky? Janhavi? Some man? Which man? Salman?

Mallya fled to the UK; but of course, because he can fly. He will repay the money; his terms apply. He will return to India; only if his conditions apply. The SC asked him questions; he might or might not reply. The jet and the villas are up for auction; none will buy. He demands Z-security; none questioning him, why? By the way, when his birthday present grounded, did Sid cry? Am sure, right now he must be around the KF calendar shoot, somewhere nearby; such a naughty guy! But then, who lost more money: shareholders, KF models, employees or the SBI? And, anyone in the Government taking stock of the “dhan ki vaat” during their charcha with chai?!

Right now, the only degree that bothers me is 48-degree summer and 38-degree winter. Of course, there’s a degree of variation. Separation. Emancipation. Out-of-the-nation. Graduation. Post-graduation. And then there’s a degree that is old. A few that are sold. And several others worth their weight in Gold. And, there are degrees that suddenly go cold, and appear years later only when told. Of course, the reasons can be manifold: claim-and-truly-hold, claim-yet-not-hold, claim-and-then-clean-bowled. Degree chahiye? Bas bolo, Yale lo and behold!

I wonder, why hasn’t anyone considered approaching Pranab for his opinion to ascertain if Kangana practices black magic or whether she lacks magic? After all, hasn’t he presented her with so many National awards. Did his hands shiver while presenting the citation to her? Was it out of fear or blushing? Did he notice another figure, besides her, while she was approaching the dais? Did Hrithik’s song, bolein choodiyaan bolein Kangana, play on his mind while presenting the award to her? Has he ever asked her if it’s easy to be Queen midst the King of Good times? Has he wondered how she become so Roshan? Does Pranab retire for an afternoon siesta after the award ceremony? What does he do on the day when there is no award or swear-in ceremony?  I’ve heard the Rashtrapati Bhavan has 300+ rooms. Any up for rent? Is there water in all toilets? Yes? So, can there be a pipeline from the Bhavan to Latur? How many lotuses bloom in the Bhavan’s gardens? All grown by “hand”? What does Delhi have to offer apart from JNU and Jung? Why does Sushma go to AIIMS despite public health centers having improved since 2014? Does Vadra still vacation in a DLF Enclave to beat the Delhi heat? How many marks did Mallya score in moral science at school? Too much drub? Sorry to rub. Pranab?

Timberman Producers present, Jungle Cook and the Dand of Uttarakhand. Location: soon-to-be erstwhile Himalayan range. Theme: President's rule midst raging forest fires. Guest appearance: Shaktiman, the horse, and all his friends who lived in the jungle with Mo-glee. Intermission. So, now that the Himalayan ranges are destined to be plain and the Ganges river bed in Allahabad has also dried up into a plain, does it make sense to divert the bullet train to Ahmedabad via Allahabad, Uttarakhand and Godhra? No? Why? Because the focus aren't plains or Kingfisher planes, but helicopters? Ok. So, what will you do now? Chop-her and shop her to Italy? Yes? Bhai Jo, mere liye toh na tum bhale na woh!