Usually, I dream about Maneka and Urvashi only. Today was different, though. Lord Vishnu appeared in my dream and he looked visibly offended. I asked him why. He told me that he had demonetized the divine currency and budgeted for 10 avatars only ("Dashavtaar", you know?), and suddenly there was an 11th one?! What's more, the 11th avatar was propagating a temple for the 7th avatar? What about temples for avatars bearing roll numbers 1 to 6? And roll numbers 8, 9, 10? He wanted to know if there would be a temple for the 11th avatar in the future? He asked me if I would prefer clicking a selfie in front of the Statue of Liberty, the London Eye, the Eiffel Tower or the local statue in Kevatiya? Given the widely-acclaimed Gujarat model of development, where would I prefer being born in my next birth: Ahmedabad, Ayodhya, Varanasi, North America OR Europe? Ooh, he left me gasping for choice and I told him "Switzerland?!" He said, "tathastu". Though, midst the flurry of questions, roll numbering and my limited knowledge of Jiography, I did ask him, "wassup?!" He looked at me fiercely and raised his "trishul" when I recalled that the 11th avatar being referred to was perhaps, "Daadhi waale Uncle". I apologized with folded hands and gently asked Lord Vishnu not to ponder over divine schemes designed by human beings; after all, nothing is certain except death, taxes, temples, statues and AI-based infinite human stupidity! ;-)

Always take these three species with a pinch of namak: bina degree ka Mantri, bina dimaag ka santri and an NRI's undying "love" for his own country! ;-) Anyway, lately I have been watching a lot of primetime Hindi TV serials, especially, Kahaan Nahiin Gharr Grrrr Key, Kkaunse Glass Mein Bahu Paani Peeti Thi, Kyonkii Bahu Ko Lagaa Kii Yale Mein Sale Thi, etc. But why the urge to watch so many serials? Are they Mad In India? No, actually, you never know kaunse Hindi serial mein India ki next Human Resource Devastation (HRD) plus textile minister mil jaye?! Haha! #AapKiiSmriitiMein #AgarTumBahuNaHotiTohItniMotiNaHoti

Hawking said theory in Vedas superior to E=mc2 : Union Science & Technology Minister, Harsh Vardhan, without citing the source at the Indian *SCIENCE* Congress. Congress? Congress? Haha! Anyway, yaar hadd hai, this chap HV quotes the legendary Hawking who died 2 days ago, Leader of Opposition Rahul Baba spoke about "escape velocity", the country's Prime Minister spoke on the "relationship between aging and global warming" and "weed energy", and some minister who was also a former top cop of Bombay spoke about "apes not turning into humans". Yeh kya laga rakha hai bhai? Bas, if the destiny of a trillion-dollar economy can be entrusted in the hands of such "intellectuals", I am going ahead and applying for the position of Chief of NASA, tomorrow. Ok, not NASA, ISRO? Fine, but then, what do you call such intellectuals? Harsh Burden.

Anyone interested in offering me a job? As per my horoscope prediction, my life will undergo a positive change and remain so for the next 4 years upto 2022, by when there will be "Housing For All", the bullet train would be up and running, farmers from Nasik would have reached the Kasara ghat enroute their march to Azad Maidan in Bombay, Mukeshbhai would be the richest man in the world, the 24th pillar of Thane Metro would have been erected and Mallya would still reign as the King of Good Times. Three statues would be under-construction in the Arabian Sea, 4 statues on top of the Sahyadri mountains, and Milan Subway would remain flooded in the monsoon. As per my horoscope forecast, irrespective of my raging age, my energy levels would be sky-high, I will display exceptional leadership qualities and resolve conflicts *just like that*, and I will be able to handle the biggest, most complex and toughest tasks with ease. Nice, though, I seriously have my doubts about the predictions; while Jupiter, the boss of planets, is in-transit through my natal chart, there's also an Aadhar-possessed and tax-obsessed Government sitting *right there* in my fatal chart!

Reps from Punjab National Bank got my mobile number from somewhere and called me earlier this evening. They offered me a personal loan at an "attractive rate of interest", and asked me if I would also be interested in a "lifetime free credit card with many benefits". I asked them if they were offering a one-way flight ticket to New York in business class? The line got disconnected. Possibly, they added me in their DND list after the call. DND. Do. Not. Disburse. 😂😂😂😂

Why did you apply for this job? Simple, because when I started my career, diesel was selling at 35-rupees, and now it sells at 69. Ok, what are the qualities of a leader? A leader is a prolific orator who can also cry, speak to everyone without listening to anyone, has willingness and ability to travel, and above all, has the undying spirit of blaming everyone, including the Ice Age, Shrek, Gods and Dinosaurs. Ok, if you wouldn't have applied for this job, what would you be doing? I would be a *chowkidaar* sipping tea at a railway station. What are your educational qualifications? I obtained a post-graduate degree from Yale long before it came into existence. Right, how do you handle a conflict? Easy, just create another one. Interesting, and how do you handle a non-performer? That's easy, too; allot them a position in either of the Union Ministries of Education, Finance, Textiles or Information & Broadcasting. Do you believe in God? Yes, I chant Lord Ram's name every 5 years and take credit for Maa Ganga's *cleanliness*, every day. Good, where do you see yourself 5 years from now? Hmm, I see myself standing outside a bank queue waiting to exchange demonetized 2,000-rupee notes. Nice, if we were to offer you the job, what will you bring to the table? Crores in loans from Punjab National Bank and some air tickets. So? Try me?!

Phrase: "jo ukhadna hai, ukhad le". Meaning, in simple terms: Niravbhai Modi and Mehulbhai Choksi politely informing India's premier investigation agency that it is "impossible to return to India" owing to "business interests" and "health issues". Good. Now, don't even ask what do terms "acche" and "din" mean! 😂😂😂😂