I am looking for a job. Sir, since speeches supersede merit and credentials, I, too, wish to forward my application for the post of Minister of Human Resource Destruction (HRD). I have a lot to showcase. To start with, "I had a dream": I was on the Yale campus at Goregaon, opposite Balaji Telefilms studio at Aarey Road, sipping cutting chai with Ekta, after we bunked class. You see, it all starts with a dream. Another credential: I was an avid viewer of, "Alas, kabhi toh clas...s mein tu thi", that ruled Star TV when Peter Mukerjea was its honcho, and Indrani was dating Khanna. By the way, Zubin-Zubin from 3 Idiots is my favorite track; what an amazing number, no? I am counting on it. Now, since there's not much to do post taking charge at the Ministry, I will ask all HODs, Professors and housekeeping staff to do a daily march past around the flags that my predecessor ordered to be hoisted. And finally, atleast my speech will earn me accolades when it starts with a bang, "Yes, my Smriti has returned. Tell me my class, er..caste!" Sir?

Tum Jaante Nahin Main Kaun Hoon? Of course, I don’t blame you for this. After all, I don’t drive the Landscruiser; hence, I am not some man Khan. I am a graduate; hence, I am not Irani. I am not an orator; hence, I am not Modi. I don’t make Vadras in thin air; hence, I am not Gandhi. I don’t hop green, skip red and jump orange; hence, I am not the law. I am not Connery, nor Craig; hence, I am not Bond. I don’t understand nuances of finance beyond monthly household budgets and daily kharcha paani; hence, I am not an FM. I don’t play the Bansuri; hence, I am not Swaraj. Z+ security to me is a malnourished watchman who occasionally retires at our building gate, and on all other occasions dreams of his family staying 2,000 kms away; hence, I am not Bhagwat. I speak Hindi, Marathi and Gujarati with poise and ease, much like the fragrant (!) Arabian sea breeze; hence, I am not Uddhav. By the way, last evening she went Gayle, while the opposition looked pale. Did she go to Yale? No idea, ‘cos in her own Smriti, she left no trail!

Circa 2045. The newly-inaugurated Mumbai-Amdavad Bullet Train, that was expected to leave at 5 pm this evening, is expected to leave at 4 pm tomorrow, and is expected to arrive at Amdavad 16 hours later. Passengers are requested to note that the annual Congress of rail blockades got an even higher VHP this year. “Reservations for berths", inside and outside the train, seem to have been more or less finalized, though quotas, including those for “seats” are yet to be allotted. Hence, owing to rail blockades on account of “reservations”, and a war of words over finalizing a name for the bullet train, it’s speed is expected to be slower than that of the Samjhauta Express, until an “understanding” between the warring factions is arrived at. IRCTC is already working on publishing a calendar of “rail rokos” for the next 100 years, to help you plan your journey via a free route, if any. Until then, inconvenience caused to passengers is highly regretted. Yeh bhi Gurjar jayega; Jat chill and have Rail Neer.

Move over Ambedkar and listen Kanhaiya, sedition in the Indian constitution will now undergo a street-revision, in line with the decision of those in power and position, who care a darn about every opposition, act on supposition and ruthlessly manhandle a procession, to make it appear an action born out of the cops’ reaction to your speech and diction, in some imaginary video motion, that allegedly caused a friction. O Please Sharma, if only you, Chauhan, your cronies in power and those in opposition would have used the same muscular traction with the likes of Subrato, Mallya and the crorepati babus, then my money wouldn’t reduce to a fraction and the NPAs wouldn’t have been a Supreme Court attraction! Kya solid F(a)TII hai that I am feeling J, N U?