Urjit bhai, kem cho? You, a Patel? Met Smriti at Yale? Grew up in the same neighborhood as Hardik and Anandiben? No? Ok. Welcome to the Reserve Blank of India. I don’t understand Ecocomics, yet have a suggestion: if only you could do something about the link between inflation and TV serials. You see, none of the characters go to office. Middle-class homes appear as though they get an increment every hour. Lavish marriages happen every 30 minutes, every day of the week. Characters die, come alive, only to die again, until they decide to quit altogether (labour flaws, anyone?) The quantum of gems and jewellery worn in one episode is sufficient to cover India’s debt for 100 years. What’s more, many Bahus even have the potential of becoming India’s Union Ministers in the future! Brush your memory; Smriti, know her? And then, midst all the clamour for glamour, the FM, who was also I&B Minister once, thinks that similar luxuries also exist in the real world, since “media is a reflection of society”. Hence, he imposes burgeoning taxes like rising TRPs! Bhai Jo, tame jo, avjo and please, Arun bhai ne explain kar jo?!

My phone is some find. It gives me company in a crowded office conference room where I wish to avoid colleagues, and show every one that I am very busy. It helps me arrive at all terminals – rail, air and road - in style. I drive my car with my phone ON (and brains OFF!). My phone helps me ignore those who are equally eager to ignore me. I believe in the contemporary adage: why call and speak, when you can text and tweet? Sweet. I spend about 80% of my time in social gatherings and during vacations clicking photos with my phone, and another 10% time in uploading them on social networks; if my contacts visited the Taj Colaba recently, I visited the Juhu Marriott – now, take this! Of course, the balance 10% time is spent figuring out what to do with myself and others in the social gathering. I use my phone to declare love for my better-half publicly, though we question (and curse!) the other’s presence in our life, strictly in private! I compliment my colleague on his promotion using my phone app, though I am very eager to know his CTC and “knowing him, just how did he get there, itni jaldi?” By the way, did Isaac Newton see a connect between Alexander Graham Bell’s invention and the Apple? Huh?

Good morning, am I worthy of accolades, too, the day after? Don’t think so; it’s the athletes’ personal achievement, yet they share credit with me and I remain indebted to them. After all, it is their discipline, endurance, sacrifice and endeavor that catapulted them AND the country to the pinnacle of victory. They stood against odds and held their heads high in backdrop of lack of support and infrastructure (death-defying Produnova using parts of a scooter, remember?), finances (a billionaire Bharat Ratna MP-cum-sporting legend zyaada!), yet managed to be a saving grace for a billion. Arre O samba, kitne medal mile? Sirf teen, sardaar. Aabadi 125-crore aur medal sirf teen? Bahut na-insaafi hai re!

Game it ON Rio, Sindhu. It isn’t so much about the Gold, as it is about your indomitable spirit against odds! Hyderabadi Biryani aur Charminar ki kasam, I mean no disdain, though, today make Carolina’s reign in Spain to appear very plain!

Question: who is faster than batti ka volt? Answer: Usain Bolt. Kya bhaagta hai yaar; bhaagte bhaagte smile bhi karta hai! It is confirmed: Indian Olympic brand Landcruiser, er, Ambassador Salman can run away from the law but not Usain Bolt 😂

Sister, it's intriguing as to why only you NEVER appear "HOT" or "s***" to me? Ever. Anyway sister, I pledge to protect your honour. For a lifetime. AND. Always remember that ALL other women are also worthy of that respect. Locally. Nationally. Globally. Verbally. And in motion. Anywhere. Everywhere. On the road. Highway. In the morning. At noon. Afternoon. In the evening. At sunset. In the silence of the night. Midnight. Any time. Every time.

Oopar wala Malik Sakshi hai, you are a saving face for a Nation that celebrated it's 70th Independence Day, three days ago! You and the entire contingent of Indian athletes were exemplary in a highly competitive global fora. After all, it takes immense courage and mental resilience to be among legends, compete with them and overcome adversity in backdrop of a complete absence of infrastructure, finance and logistics. By the way, hope that the Olympic brand ambassador will now remember Karmakar as Dipa, and not Deepika! Hahaha!